Reprinted and updated from Divorce 360, 2008

I’ve been divorced for six months and am not remotely interested in another romantic relationship at this point.  Should I be concerned that the relationship area of my house is missing and if so, how can I correct it?

Your Relationship to Yourself

In the practice of Feng Shui, Relationship includes intimate relationships and partnerships. The most important of those is relationship to yourself.  Regardless of the desire for romance, all relationships stem from the way we feel about ourselves, and whether we honor the contracts we make with ourselves. On the personal level, if you repeatedly encounter people who don’t respect your needs and boundaries, ask yourself if you are honoring your needs.  By always putting personal needs last and accepting what’s left-over, you are broadcasting that you are not worth acknowledging. If others don’t respect your boundaries, have you been clear in acknowledging them?   External relationships act as a mirror or what’s going on internally.  

Correct a Missing Relationship

After a divorce or a prolonged relationship, it often takes a while to get reacquainted with yourself. So …spend some time taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally.  If your home is missing this Relationship area (the back, right corner of the house), you can strengthen it by attending to the relationship sector in each room of the house. For example, place something that symbolizes relationship in that area. If it’s cluttered, clean it out – move some energy. Additionally, adjustments can be made outside the house in what would-have-been the Relationship area.

Anything symbolic of nurturing can work there. Plant flowers, create a comfort-zone for relaxing, or place statuary that suggests supportive relationships.  Pairs of things suggest not only partnership with another, but also the honoring of the different aspects of our own personalities.  For example, the cranes on the left symbolize commitment, because they mate for life. Adjustments such as these act as a reminder of our intention to take care or ourselves. 

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2003

Well – we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day and it gives one pause to consider…who d’ya love.  Our programming for this day has us immediately turn to romantic interests and so I’ll concentrate on that – for the most part, but not entirely.  Let’s assume for the moment that you are in the category of coupled or wanting to be.  This is not to say, that everyone has that interest – nor should they.  But, as I said – we’re taking that as a starting point.  So what can Feng Shui do to help you in this respect?  A few things come to mind and they don’t all have to do with Mandarin Ducks.  DUCKS you say?  What’s that got to do with romance and partnering?

What’s Feng Shui Got to Do With It?

Here’s what.  Much of Feng Shui – the art of arranging your environment to support you in all of life’s pursuits – has to do with symbolism. 

The things with which we surround ourselves act as triggers for all manner of things conscious and sub-conscious.  Knowing this, it’s wise to create your environment with care.  If you want to have a supportive, nurturing relationship, you would not – for instance – put pictures of fighting roosters (nor any other critters that are known to be philanderers or animals of prey) in your bedroom.  It just does not conjure the coupling patterns to which most of us aspire.  

Quackery or Symbolism?

If this sounds like Quackery to you, well – that bring us back to ducks.    Mandarin Ducks are traditionally used in Asian culture to represent long-term, monogamous couple relationships – because Mandarin ducks mate for life.   So that’s one place to start:  you can use artwork, sculpture, etc. depicting a pair of creatures that mate for life as a symbol of what you want in your own relationship.  Other animals that mate for life are cranes, sea horses – as opposed to the riding kind – and many other bird varieties – to mention some possibilities.  Frankly, any thing that represents a healthy pairing will work – if it has meaning to you.  Keep in mind that in your choice of symbols you want two adult partners, because it represents balance in the relationship.  Many animal pairs represented in artwork consist of an adult feeding an immature version.   Stay away from that one if you want a relationship of equals.  You might also choose a pair of candles, two roses, a sculpture of an adult couple embracing.  In the reverse, avoid pictures of isolation, hostile environments or too much water.  Water is an element that has no boundaries, and every healthy relationship has good boundaries.  Who wants a wishy-washy partner? 

Other Symbols to Support Relationship

• Flowers (earth energy suggestive of nurturing):  silks are OK, fresh are best if you don’t let them wilt, but stay away from dried (remember – they’re dead)
• Color in shades of yellow, pinks or terra cotta
• Objects made of terra cotta or clay (also earth-energy)
• Heavy objects because they represent grounded ness
• Pictures of you and your sweetie – but not with the family, kids, the football team, etc.

Pictures

By the way,  while we’re on the topic of pictures,  you might consider removing family pictures – those of your children, mom, dad, and  any other pictures that are not of you as a couple from your bedroom.  If this sounds weird to you, think about bringing them energetically into the bedroom with you.  Getting a little crowded?    This is couple time folks, and it’s time to get focused on each other. You can share the entire house with the clan, just not this room.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

(Find the Relationship area on the Bagua to the left and see how it relates to your home. If you want to organize a desk around this concept, where you sit qualifies as the front door. You might place a foto of you and your love-interest in that position.)

Bedrooms

But let’s get down to some “real life” issues:  people want to know what they can do in  their bedrooms to promote intimacy.  Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy. 

Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy.  This is true whether you’re sleeping with someone or alone.  In fact, it’s the same placement criteria as used for best rest, sleep and rejuvenation.  Ideally, you want to be able to see the door from the bed, but not be lined up with the door (that goes for bathroom doors too).  You’d like the largest possible view of the room.  It’s hard to sleep or get cozy if you’re always wondering who might surprise you walking through the door. 

Feeling Cramped?

Corner placement of the bed was a trendy things a few years back, and it’s used in a lot of wonderful bed and breakfast settings.  Yes, it’s looks cozy  – and it’s great for a bed and breakfast – because you don’t have to live with it every day.  The fact it – this placement becomes awkward for relationships.  Think about two grown adults climbing in and out of bed in the tiny little 15-degree angle that remains on each side of a bed shoved into the corner.  I get cantankerous just thinking about it and I’m a small person.  There’s not really enough room for a bedside table, lamps. phone, accoutrements – not to mention just getting in and out of a queen or king-size bed. 

Psychologically speaking it can result in each of you feeling like you don’t have enough “space” in the relationship. It may take a while to figure that out if you weren’t aware of this – all the while manifesting in all manner of arguments about “you never… I don’t have enough…).  You get the idea. Further, corner beds have voids between the headboard and the walls and this can cause one to feel uncharacteristically vulnerable or unsupported.  None of these emotions is useful in a relationship.

Balance in the Relationship

Now to the matter of bedside tables.  Yes – you both need one, even if you don’t always share the space.  This has to do with each side of the relationship being equally represented, sharing equal importance and being honored. It’s just as important if you’re not in a relationship, but want to be.  They don’t have to be the same or the same size, but they need to be balanced in visual weight using lamps, color or artwork to compensate for differences in actual size or shape. 

Clutter and Computers

Clear out the space under your bed.  In addition to collecting dust and fur balls, everything you have around you has memories or energy attached to it.  Storing your old divorce papers under your bed, un-finished projects? Nah – not a good idea.  It falls in the same category of having other non-bedroomy kinds of things in your bedroom. 

Computer desk?  OUT!  Workout equipment?  OUT!!  The desk to the left is lovely, but it doesn’t belong in your bedroom. Why? Because it’s really hard to unwind, sleep or get romantic when you’re being stared at by something that reminds you of work or something you “should” be doing. 

I once had a perfectly lovely, restful, large bedroom.  Large enough to bring in a computer hutch where I could work in private.  As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman:  “Big Mistake!  BIG MISTAKE!”  I couldn’t sleep whether it was opened or closed.  I moved it out and again, slept like a baby.  The very fact of it’s being there disturbed my sleep, even when it remained unused.  I hear these stories all the time from clients who have cleared their rooms of such things.    One more tricky thing:  if the instrument of woe is in the relationship corner of your bedroom – it carries a double whammy.  It says to the psyche:  “relationships are WORK.”  And maybe they are, but we needn’t add to the load. 

Re-ignite the Spark

One of the things I hear often from new parents or couples who have been together a long time is that they have misplaced the spark of being  “a couple.” We wear so many hats these days,  sometimes we even forget which one to put on or take off.  If you want to rekindle the couple role, carve out some time or space that is just yours.  The bedroom can become a romantic retreat; the bath – a “spa.”  Warm up you bathroom with a couple of candles, bath salts, soft towels and maybe some music.  Nothing calms the soul and washes away the worries of the day like taking a little time for ourselves.  Maybe you’d like to give or receive one hour of a luxurious soak in a tub of lavender or rose scented hot water, with good music and a candle burning.   We begin to rediscover our humanity and our connected-ness when we came come home to ourselves. 

Flying Solo?

With all the commercialization around Valentine’s Day, one would think that everyone in the world was part of a couple.  And if you are not – well join the parade.  No reason to feel left out.  I’ll tell you a story.  One year on February 13, my then husband moved out of the house.   He chose this date because he liked the symbolism and it added drama. He was hoping to stain my memory of Valentine’s Day forever.

Well, it did emblazon it in my memory, but not for the reasons you might think.   The next day was fairly traumatic, but in years since I have celebrated that day as the beginning of my liberation of self. The next year, he sent me an Un-Valentine card.  By that time I had regained my sense of humor  and realized it was a statement about him, not me.  I had begun to really understand and appreciate the stuff I am made of.  I have celebrated with friends and alone, and each is satisfying.  Instead of ignoring the day or feeling  “left out” I choose to embrace the celebration of love – of self, of being alive, of community, of children and the gifts of wisdom I have received as  part of every relationship, regardless of outcome or status.

All Relationships Begin with Self

Embrace the state of being able to make choices  that reflect the essence of who you have become and the wisdom and self assurance you have gained as a result of  all of the people you  love and have loved.  Don’t let anyone rain on your parade.

Whether you are solo or flying with a partner, remember that all relationships begin with the relationship to self.  You cannot receive from others what you are unwilling to give yourself.  Do you want to be cherished?  Cherish yourself – by calmly setting good boundaries and taking stock of your own talents and gifts.  You and others will see you in a different light.   Reread this article through a different lens, and recognize that each of us has a partnership with SELF.  Do the things that you thought of doing for your external partnership or the one you want to attract, and do it for YOU.  Each of us carries ying and yang, masculine and feminine, dark and light within us.  The very things that nurture romance, nurture the partnership within.  And taking care of that partnership takes care of us and every other relationship.

From my heart to your: Happy Valentine’s day

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2002

The garage. Just the mention of it brings groans, gasps and the rolling of eyes. Even the most fastidious people have been revealed to be closet-messies when it comes to the garage. In private consultations, people have been know to throw their bodies across the door to the garage – “Oh NO – your CAN”T go into the garage!”

Does the Garage Count?

I’ve consulted in many high-dollar, beautifully appointed homes – meticulously neat in the public quarters, but total chaos in the garage. In a few, the garage door couldn’t be closed because it was full from top to bottom and front to back. Several hardware stores could have been stocked with the contents. Things were so well packed-in, there was no hope of finding anything without emptying everything. So, whenever someone needed a tool, they would go buy another.

THNEEDS

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Somehow the garage has become the repository for not only all the seasonal-gear, tools, yard stuff, and hand-me-downs, it also contains trash, recycling, and the unredeemable. Finally, it houses things we no longer need and things NOBODY needs. Dr. Suess said it best. He called them THNEEDS (things nobody needs).

It’s not the garage that’s the problem. In fact, it’s a very useful part of the house – some people even park their cars there! It’s what happens when we treat it like a land fill. Anywhere there’s clutter, especially broken, dirty and unused items collecting critters – the energy gets stuck and it effects the way life is lived by those who reside in the house.

The garage nearly always appears in one of the corners (Guas) of the house, making it – in Feng Shui terms – a big deal. Let’s pretend that the front door is in the center of the house on the same parallel as the front edge of the structure.

Navigating Around the Corners: the Bagua Again…

• From the center front of the house, navigating in a clockwise direction the first corner we come to in the 7:00 position represents the life aspect known as Knowledge and Spirituality. Clutter in this area slows down the initiation of new projects, interferes with feeling grounded, inhibits personal growth and limits the wisdom we bring to bear in life situations.
• The next corner moving up and around into the roughly 10:00 position represents Prosperity or Manifestation and has to do with our ability to create the kind of life we want for ourselves. Clutter here can interfere with finances, projects coming to fruition financially, and the safekeeping of resources,

Detached Garages

Wait! What’s that racket I hear? It’s dancing in the streets! I think it’s coming from those folks with detached garages. Turn off that music! You’re not exempt – because the garage is still part of the energy of the property. Sorry….To determine where on the property the house falls, use the point where the driveway comes in as the “front door” to the property.

Coming and Going

On the more mundane level, here’s something else to think about. If you’re one of fortunate few who can actually get your car in the garage, you also probably enter and exit your house via the garage. If you do, the garage is the last thing you see in the morning before heading off to work, and the first thing you see returning home. So – if your garage is neat and brightly lit, painted and things are in order – you’re more apt to start your day feeling “together.” If, on the other hand walking into your garage constitutes as act of bravery, then you are probably reminded of all the stuff you need to do and what a mess things are. It permeates the entire day.

Coming home after a long, possibly frustrating day at the office, wanting nothing more than to get home and relax – you drive into the “little shop of horrors.” Your mood plummets, your energy is zapped and any joy you had about coming home is vaporized. Instead of greeting your family with a smile, you offer up a scowl and it sets the mood for your evening at home. When you look at the garage this way, it becomes a very important room.

Jettison the Junk

OK – so we’ve got the landscape of how important it is to get the garage in order, but it’s so overwhelming. Where to start? Here’s an automatic toss list for getting started. In other words, these are things you can get rid of without a second thought and without having to think about recycling – with the exception of some tools that may be rehabilitated via Goodwill.

• Mildewed items
• Rusted nails, screws, etc.
• Broken tools with missing parts
• Old paint that has ever frozen (toxic waste recycling)
• Broken rakes, saws, lawnmowers, whirligigs scooters…
• Flat tires
• Oily rags

Storage

Next, look at storage. By far the quickest way to deal with storage in the garage is to use vertical shelving or racks. Most garages I enter have piles that go up to about four feet, because that’s about as tall as you can stack before things begin to fall, slope or slowly tumble into small pyramids. This is not what is meant by “pyramid power.” Consider these options:

• Vertical storage: Any home improvement store will have their version of sturdy, industrial strength vinyl or plastic shelving. The ones I’m talking about are 18”to 24” deep and 36” wide with shelves placed at least 12” apart. You can stack boxes, store large tools, fake Christmas trees, saddles, or a rack of antlers on the shelves – safely. They’re easy to assemble in multiple configurations, solid, and inexpensive. I’ve seen many a garage transformed quickly merely by using these shelves.

• Pegboard or a section of rod with hooks, to hang yard tools, mops, hoses, extension cords simplifies putting away tools and it keeps the rake from falling on your head while you trying to get to the weed trimmer. Be sure to use a spacer to attach it to the wall so the hooks have space to attach.
• Vertical bike racks for larger bikes or small metal parking slats for kids can hold multiple bikes. These save space and the frustration of moving a bike before you can get into the garage, not to mention the tangle that ensues when they all fall down in a mass of spokes and handlebars.
• A small table or shelf unit next to the door entering the house serves as a parking place for an errand box, removes clutter from the house, and can make for a smoother morning exit. A lamp on top the unit can also make the difference in your mood when entering the garage.

Paint what?

Garage maintenance is never at the top of anyone’s list. That why it’s important to make it easy to do. While I’ve had people giggle and gasp at the next suggestion, it’s actually a feature in new upper-end construction.

Painting the floor with one of the new epoxy paints that come in spatter colors makes cleaning up oil spills of paint a breeze. It also looks great and actually makes you want to keep the garage clean. Painting the garage interior with a semi-gloss or high gloss is actually high on my personal list because it makes it lighter, smells are not absorbed as easily into painted surfaces and finally, it’s easier to clean.

Just for Fun

Finally, for an extra pick-me-up when you drive into the garage, put a fun poster right in front of your car or on the garage side of the door entering into the house. You’d be surprised how nice it is to come home to a cheery image.

The bottom line on garages is this: if your mood drops when you walk into your garage, it a signal that it’s not working for you in other areas f your life. This is a great time of year for this; it’s cooler, bugs have slowed down, and it’s about time to find those holiday decorations. Kids are forever wanting money and are therefore usually eager to help if you let them keep any funds they earn from the re-sale or garage sale of old toys. EVERYONE enjoys and gets better use of the garage when it’s organized and clean.

So enjoy your new project. If you start it now, you’ll actually be able to find those Christmas or Hanukah decorations, clean out the “white elephant” presents you received last year and make room for more! Now that’s a cheery thought…

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