Re-printed and updated from Divorce 360, April 2008          

After my divorce, I’m trying to move forward and seek a new relationship.  I have pictures of my ex around because I want the kids to feel that even though their parents divorced we are still there for them as parents.  I’ve been told I shouldn’t have such pictures around if I’m trying to attract a new romantic partner.  What’s your opinion?

Pictures for the Kids

First, I commend you regarding your support of your children and wanting to maintain their sense of security regarding parenting!  Having pictures in their rooms sounds like a good idea. You could also make personal albums for them to remind them of good times and maintain continuity. Adding pictures as you create new history with them will send communicate to them that they are still secure in their relationship with you as parents, regardless of the divorce.

But Not in Your Office or Bedroom!

Regarding your own pursuit of a new relationship, I recommend you remove pictures from your office and bedroom for several reasons. 

1. First, pictures with your ex remind you consciously and subconsciously of the issues you had with your spouse. In turn, that can interfere with attracting a healthier, new partnership. Past history tends to color what we believe is possible in other relationships. Moving forward, old patterns can doom us to choosing partners with similar core issues, unless those are brought to a conscious level and addressed. 
2. Further, when you do find a romantic possibility, pictures of your ex bring their energy into play. When that happens, there are three people in the relationship, emotionally speaking.. 
3. Finally, and most obvious, is the fact that your new squeeze may think you’re not quite over your ex, but you’ve probably already figured out that one!

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Reprinted from divorce360, April 2008

My ex and I have three lovely children.  As a mediator, can you suggest how we keep from putting the children in the middle and making them feel like pawns, as I have seen happen with some of our friends?   

Excellent question and one that goes far beyond the scope of this short answer.  That having been said here goes:

Avoid Competing with Your Ex

1.  Avoid he temptation to make derogatory comments about the other parent.  Children are amazingly intuitive and smart creatures, and are capable of making their own assessments if they are not prompted to take sides.  

2.   Kids are masters at the game of playing one parent against the other and often do it unconsciously.  Don’t engage!   Instead, communicate clearly with the other parent about plans, permissions, homework, medications. Furthermore, avoid contradicting the other unless it is a matter of health or safety.  And finally, don’t try to out-purchase or out-play each other!

3.  Recognize that children often experience about a three-day behavior shift after spending time with either parent.  It’s helpful to at least attempt consistency between households. Avoid intruding on their private time with the other parent, and don’t pump them for information afterward. While you at it, don’t share your own feelings of anger, frustration, distrust, jealousy or information about financial issues with them. They’re your kids, not your counselors.

Healthy Boundaries

Differences in parenting style are common and may have been a catalyst in the divorce.  Don’t expect those to disappear.  When issues arise, remember to ask questions that don’t imply fault, ask open ended questions to determine what interests may be underlying the problem, and don’t be afraid to seek joint counseling on co-parenting.  Set clear boundaries with your children to let them know that you don’t really need/want to know what the other parent is doing.  This helps them set healthy boundaries that will serve them well in developing their own friendships and relationships later in life.   

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