April 2008: Re-claimed, updated from Divorce360.com

I’m recently divorced and remaining in the house I shared with my ex.  Not only is some of the furniture gone—making the place feel empty—but everything is a reminder of my past.  How can I shake this feeling and make the place feel like mine?

Use Furniture Differently

That sounds familiar!  The good news is:  you can fix it.  The emotional aspect will take some time, but using familiar pieces of furniture in different ways can help even that along. We live with our furniture so long it’s sometimes hard to imagine that a dining table can now become a display piece, a desk or a project table. 

Changing hardware on a dresser can make it yours.  Get new bed linens, and I strongly recommend a new mattress if you can afford it.  Intimate  pieces can hold “energy” for a long time, making it harder to move on.  Sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed so it doesn’t feel like you’re missing a partner!

Paint!

Paint does wonders!  Find some colors that make your heart sing and go for it!  Sidestep colors your ex loved and find your own palette!  Warm colors for communal areas encourage conversation and activity, and can change the perceived temperature of the room!  Cooler colors support privacy, but can also make a room feel colder physically and emotionally. so add some warmth with accessories if you go that direction.  

Clear & Bless the Space

Finally—or maybe before you start any of the above projects—do an energetic clearing and a blessing on your house.  Best drums, rings bells, clap and chase away the divorce vibes.  Finish with a blessing using sandalwood, or frankincense and myrrh incense,  walking through each room saying a blessing or prayer of your choice.  It could be a simple as “Bless this space for my highest and best good, for my (my family’s) health and well-being.”  I predict you will feel a dramatic shift!

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2003

Have you ever noticed your reaction to houses with curved or winding pathways leading to the front door is different from those with straight-on sidewalks or none at all? Never really thought about it? Well – maybe not, but I’ll just bet it influences you in subliminal ways that may not have percolated up to consciousness.

To be honest, when I first began studying Feng Shui and heard that the path to the front door influences the life of its occupants, I thought that was a little nuts. So bear with me if you’re having a similar reaction. Think of houses that “call” to you or give you that “coming home” feeling – even if your childhood home didn’t look anything like that.

The Language of Sidewalks

It seems that high-end homes nearly always have luxurious, meandering pathways through the landscaping and trees, allowing you time to slow down and smell the flowers before being graciously delivered to the front door. Somehow you just “know” that behind that front door you’ll be greeted with open arms, the smell of freshly baked goodies and a well loved family dog.

Because the sidewalk has a language all its own, it creates a specific psychological mindset without your knowing one other thing about the home or its inhabitants. In Feng Shui vernacular it has to do with the way energy travels and meanders. Straight lines rarely occur in nature and when they do the feeling is more one of hurrying along, efficiency, and a “get to the point” frame of mind. There’s nothing invitational about it.

In the world of sailing, there’s a term for the “distance wind blows unobstructed over water – contributing the buildup of waves” and mind bending wind. The term is “fetch.”

Having done a lot of offshore and heavy weather sailing in my more foolhardy years, I became all to well acquainted with the realities of this concept of “fetch, “ and it has served me well in my work with Feng Shui. Given the same distance of travel, a gentle breeze of 3 knots just off shore – where trees and buildings have slowed its movement – can build to 60 knots by the time it hits the sails of a boat 50 miles at sea. Since wind is energy, this is a helpful metaphor for thinking about the way energy impacts the entrance of a house.

When speaking of houses, this translates to how the world impacts the residents inside as well as their connection to the community outside the front door.

Connections

Here’s the way it works. Your pathway or sidewalk represents both a literal and symbolic connection to your neighbor hood and to the world at large. It signals either that friends and opportunity are welcome or says, “don’t even think about stopping here.” OK – so you don’t want traveling sales people to come to your front door! Trust me, the brazen will find you no matter what.

Many new homes these days have sort, right-angle sidewalks that take you from the driveway to the front door, avoiding any connection whatsoever with the rest of the neighbor hood or the street.  The unspoken psychological message here is:  “If you know me well enough to drive into my driveway, then you can come to the front door.”  To others, it says, “stay away.”   When you think of opportunity as a guest that is going to have a hard time knocking at that front door, it places everything in a new light.

I heard that! You said “NO WAY I’m gonna dig up my sidewalk!” Nor do you have to. There are other, inexpensive but effective ways to transform or create a path. Here are some thoughts.

Creating a New Look

First, you MUST have a path connecting the front door to the street. Doesn’t matter if you don’t use it. This is operating on deep symbolic levels and as such it’s very powerful. So, lay some stepping-stones in a meandering path to the street.

Use any material you like, placing the stones close enough together to get the sense of a “path.” You might dig out a little nest for them so you can mow over them. To give a feeling of continuity with the rest of the house or existing sidewalk, check out your local hardware or landscaping store. Landscaping stones will be more expensive, rock aggregate and cement are cheapest. I

f you’re lucky enough to live in an area where you can gather flattish limestone or slate, that’s actually the cheapest.

Take a look at the image on the right for an inexpensive approach and then design your own.

In the image to the left, there are multiple entries to the house, but this gently curving sidewalk starts at the curb, and guides the visitor to the front door. The stones are concrete and flush with the lawn, and mowing over them is easy.

More guidelines:
1. Keep stepping stones as level as possible. You don’t want opportunity or friends falling down on the way to the front door.
2. Create the illusion of a curve in a straight sidewalk, by adding landscaping or lighting.
3. Right-angle sidewalks can be extended to the street by coming off one side or edge with stepping stones leading to the street.
4. In Hong Kong, straight walkways are made to appear curved with curvilinear
patterns in the brickwork or strategically placed statuary.

Change Your Life

You’ll be amazed at the changes that begin when you do this. I lived in a cozy little neighbor hood for a year before I tackled the sidewalk project. During that year, I’d been out working in my yard, as folks would walk by on the street, not a soul spoke. The day I finished the sidewalk extension (done with stepping stones and pea gravel) all sorts of people began stopping to chat, business opportunities flowed in, and I truly felt more connected to the world. What’s more, similar sidewalk “renovations” popped up all over the neighborhood!

So get a shovel and some stones and get to work changing your life. My clients have told me some great stories about how it’s eased tensions with neighbors, improved their careers (remember a center front door is in the career zone), and brought helpers into their lives. I’d love to hear your story or questions.

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader,  2002

Ever find yourself muttering “Now – where DID I put those keys, screwdriver, car-proof of insurance (sorry officer I know I put it in a safe place …..).  It’s like those squirrels!  They spend half the summer and fall burying nuts and tidbits in a safe place so they can find them in hard times.  If it’s such a safe place, how come they’re frantically diggin’ up your entire yard trying to find the little buggers later.  If you’re identifying with the squirrel here, you may have a problem with ……. CLUTTER. 

Where Did it Go?

You know those Christmas presents you bought in the summer for 75% off, then went home feeling all smug and efficient, and put them in a place nobody would find them?  Well, did you find them?   If your answer was “yes”, but not until you were looking for the BBQ equipment next summer, this article may be of some interest.  Clutter is the real reason everything important goes on the refrigerator door.  It’s the only thing in the house too big to misplace. 

OK, you’re right; everyone has these “moments” of forgetfulness.  I too have wandered the mall parking lot looking for my car.  I have occasionally misplaced my keys, put the screwdriver in the fridge, and  milk under the sink.  But we’re talking chronic, can’t find it, embarrassed to have people over, late for work, can’t iron your clothes because you can’t find the iron or the top to your favorite suit, would answer the phone if you could find it, etc. kind of chaos.

Managing Your Energy

Whether you are a true “keeper” or organized to the max, the fact is that you have devoted your energy to everything you have in your space and in your life.  An item becomes clutter when: you don’t use it, don’t like it, or can’t find it when you need it.  Everything in your life either supports you or sucks your energy.  Things or relationships that are broken, stacks of things you should have done or events you feel you should attend, items or acquaintances you’re hanging on to out of guilt or other pressures are things that drain your energy.  Things that make you feel good to hold or look at are not clutter, even if you rarely use them, because they support your energy.  The same goes for social “obligations.”

Everywhere you look these days, there’s some mention of clutter, or how to organize, simplify life.  Has life become soooooo complex that we have that we have to get instructions about de-cluttering from magazines?   In a word – Yep! 

Noise

Why – because we are so continually inundated by noise (another form of clutter) – auditory, visual, olfactory, tactile , social- that we have become a society of responders.  It’s the squeaky wheel syndrome and at some point the clutter in our lives screams with such excruciating intensity that we have to pay attention.    Computers were supposed to create a “paperless society.”   Yeah – right.   I don’t know about you, but I don’t completely trust having everything in a black box subject to power surges and viruses.  So there are hard copies to file, back-up discs, etc.  

We have more things demanding our attention whether or not we invited them in.  In order to keep up we have to take an extremely pro-active role in protecting our boundaries.  Made a donation lately? Now your name is on the call list for 30 more charities.  Subscribed to your favorite magazine? 

Now you get a daily stack of junk mail offering you everything from instant “skinny” to new and improved body parts. But don’t you just feel compelled to open this stuff??  Well I used to be, but no more! Mail comes in three categories:  personal hand addressed items (keep these – they’re becoming collectors items), correspondence/bills from places we KNOW we have accounts, and all the rest which can be thrown away/shredded without guilt or examination.

Create Your Own Quiet with These Strategies

There are hundreds of books, kits, and related products defining systems to help you organize.  I’m not going to try to summarize those here.  But after years of working with clients, family, myself, and businesses I know there are a few techniques that work for everyone – no matter what your personal style is.

Find Your Emotional Triggers

The first biggie when you hit the clutter wall can be summarized by the question, ”How do I know what to keep and what to throw.”   Nearly everyone gets into a tug-of-war of emotions vs. intellect in going through their “stuff.”   Here’s a trick that bypasses that process, with items that don’t have to be kept for tax or legal purposes. 

Make a list of 20 people you know – first names only and the first that come to mind, not ust friends.  Have someone call the names out and pause after each name. Notice how you feel when you hear the name.  Usually, it’s quite definite.  You may feel a lightening of your mood, or an instant tightening of the chest or knot in your stomach.  Feelings can usually be categorized as positive or negative.  The trick is to stay out of the “logical mind” that tells you “of course I like that person, I’ve known them for 20 years.” while that may be true, how do you FEEL about them?

So what in the world does this have to do with clutter?  The point of doing the exercise  is to help you identify what it feels like in your body when a physical thing has a negative impact on you.  Turns out, the same feeling you get from people-associations, occur with objects .  With people, it’s easier to identify the feeling – if it’s the first time you’ve done something like this.  Once you can identify a “body feel”  you can transfer the process to objects . 

Some things will be more obvious – like he mask on the left. Maybe it’s from a grand expedition that brings back great memories, but if it reminds you of the great-aunt you dislike, find a way to let it go.

Take Emotional Inventory

Take a stroll through your house and do an emotional-inventory. Stand in front of a piece of furniture and feel what happens.  Continue selecting objects until you begin to get some “hits.” You may be surprised.  Now move onto smaller objects. Hold one in your hand – Does it feel good or creepy?  It won’t take long before you know the instant you look at something or touch it, whether it results in your feeling good or down about it.  Use that feeling as your keep-or-toss-indicator.  This technique will save you untold hours of agonizing

OK!  Equipped with this intuitive tool, you are ready to change the world.  Too grand a goal you say?  Not really.  Each time you change a little portion of your immediate space your approach toward living becomes happier, more positive, more creative and productive.   These small steps are life changing and empowering. In effecting change in a portion of your life, you mastermind change all around you.  If that’s a little esoteric,  you’ll like the next step.  You get to gather “tools” and get ready. 

Gather Your Weapons/Supplies

Before you start, don’t forget to charge your light saber.  In other words, be prepared.  What you’ll need:

• You’ll need at least three boxes (labeled KEEP, THROW, and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW), rubber gloves for avoiding paper cuts and bites of small animals that may be hiding in your piles (just kidding), markers, adhesive notes, snacks and water.  You’re going to sort everything in your drawer/closet/ etc. into these three boxes.  This is a quick sort – don’t start agonizing!  That’s why you have the “don’t know” box. 

Start Small

Next, select a s-m-a-l-l project to get started.  Instead of attacking the whole craft room at one time, start with one drawer.

Start sorting.  Just sort.  Do not “pass Go, “  do not collect $200 (it’ll take too long to find it). In fact do not GO anywhere.  Many a project has been derailed by taking just this one thing to another room, only to be ambushed by another drawer in need. Just say no …and stay put.  That’s also why you have all your materials and food right there. Later, you can take your KEEP box and deliver objects to rooms, saving yourself hours of time.

Imagine the Result

Finally, imagine the project finished – how it will   look, feel, smell.  Every successful designer, artist, marathon runner I know sees the project at completion before they start.  It helps. If you need someone to help give you a “jump-start,” you might trade time with a friend willing to sign a blood-oath to keep you on track and not suggest you go to the movies instead – later, perhaps, as a reward, but not instead of!

The office to he left was total chaos, lacking even a path into the room. The mental vision of it completed, helped us start.

If all of your friends tell you they’d rather go through a tax audit, there is still help.  There are actual humans who will come to your home,  help you go through your clutter in a non-traumatic way, and assist you in developing an organization system that works for YOU.  I’m one of those people and I like it.  It’s fun for me.  I know it’s perverse, but truly it makes me happy.  Clients say “ gee, I didn’t know this would be so much fun and look what we accomplished!”  I hear these stories from other professional organizers.  Why?  Because we are not emotionally attached to your stuff and that’s exactly what makes it so hard for you, the owner, to deal with it.

Hiring a Pro

If you’re going to hire a Professional Organizer, find out how they work, how much input they want from you and establish firm guidelines about criteria for “getting rid of.”  Check credentials and references and determine if they have a specialty.  I’m a member of an association called National Association of Professional Organizers, and I recommend you make that a requirement of anyone you select.    An ethical professional will not get rid of belongings/paperwork etc. without your supervision and thorough guidance regarding what is permissible to throw away.  Finally, find someone you like (you’ll be spending a lot of time together).  In order for a system to work over the long haul, it must be an intuitive fit for the client.  You must also communicate what approaches have worked or NOT worked in the past.

Remember, “The moment one definitely commits oneself, the Providence moves too.  All sorts of things occur to help one.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”  (The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, by W.H. Murray)

Happy Clutter Busting!!      And stop that muttering!

The post What’s All This Muttering About Cluttering? appeared first on Nancy Wesson Consulting.