Good Friday (a misnomer in this case):  with fear in my heart and panic in my soul I had no choice – I found the Apple computer place that only sells hardware (for those of you in PC owning an Apple it’s Elite Computers at Garden City – ground level).  Being Good Friday – Kampala was closed.  Saturday – “Oh you need the support center.”   OMG there’s a SUPPORT CENTER in Kampala?  Are they Authorized – well – let’s not go there.  Suffice it to say that they are an Authorized Re-seller. 

Monday – still closed:  Easter MONDAY! (Uganda takes it’s holidays seriously.) Tuesday dawns:  Time is running out and like the burned foot, I have to trust someone.  I have found the Support Center in the back of a building along Kampala Road.  

I enter with my baby in arms.  This act is only slightly less stressful than taking your infant child to the emergency room.  I know – I’ve done both.   I find George, a nice Ugandan tech who speaks impeccable English that I can understand.  (I am not being sarcastic….  my ear is not yet attuned to the somehow British Ugandan English and they speak very s.o.f.t.l.y).  I am relieved and finally allow myself to breathe.  I tell him the issues:  the wheel, the recurring scary black sign emanating Darth Vader vibes saying in FIVE languages YOU MUST SHUT DOWN YOUR COMPUTER…. NOOOOOOOOW.  I do – no one messes with Darth Vader.    This morning, there was only a thready pulse…  Programs would not open.   It wasn’t even whimpering – it was deathly quiet – registering not so much as the battery indicator.

I had no idea there was a cable, and only one small filament seemed to be the culprit. OH well – who knew? George knew – and he’s the only one that matters!

George is one of those low-key high-tech types that make those of us who are neither want to do homage.  He speaks in comforting tones, smiles, nods knowingly when I make references to this being my child, gets me to step-away-from-computer saying things like “don’t worry,” (comforting) followed by “It’s backed up – right?  (not so comforting – even if it is backed-up).  I admit to not having the back-up drive with me and he says he’ll back it up to one of his….  OK, another deep breath now.    

Prior to this total act of trust and desperation, I have purged files, removed pictures, prayed, made deals with the devil, etc. – all to no avail.  I have contacted PCVs with move computer savvy that I have and acted on recommendations.  So 911 is a last resort – going to an unknown Computer hospital in Uganda could be life-threatening.  Remember – we are warned not to seek random medical care and this almost seems to qualify as emergency care in life-or-death circumstances.  No – I’m not being over-dramatic.   Computers are the life-blood of a volunteer!  

When he says it will take hours, I agree not to hover. Instead, I leave and go suck my thumb.  Some three hours later he tells me he has hit a snag.  I made more deals with the devil and went in search of both chocolate and money.  (I am at the bottom of my account inasmuch as I have paid for this rather expensive trip of five days in the garden spot known as Kampala over EASTER when others of my kind are frisking around on the Nile probably eating fine food….   I have not been reimbursed.  Time to beg.)   

Having cleaned out my account, there is no money for chocolate.   The computer will take it all.  See what mothers will do to save their children?    When I return to the shop, George is out for lunch.  I decide this is a good sign because he wouldn’t leave if it were dying – right?  He returns, says there is a cable that seems iffy.  I translate this to open heart surgery, hearing transplant in my mind.  And there it is: a cable.  One microscopic thread of a wire – one of many in this tiny bundle – has broken.  And – therein lies the culprit, the saboteur, the beast!  No amount of cleaning, purging, downloading, praying, etc. would have worked.  We need parts – Apple parts.  Lucky for me there is a donor in the very next room.  I will wait…  

I find yet another Who-done-it to read on my Kindle and spend another two hours in the “waiting room”  with other expectant Apply owners.  Finally the doctor emerges, beaming proudly as he announces “It will live.”  

So I have a largely functioning computer, which will be happier when I get it home and do the Time Machine backup.  I also have the latest versions of  Office and I don’t know what else.  And I have lived to tell the tale, having been pulled back from the edge by George.  Once again – what seemed dire at the outset, has proved less than fatal.  Like the burn, the fire, the tree falling and the burglary – another chapter in the adventure.  Enough already – when do we get to the fun part!  Are we there yet???  

In closing, for any of you fellow-PCV’s reading this, there is Mac Help in Kampala, should you ever need it. The whole affair cost me 200,000 shillings (including cable transplant).   We are in “recovery” tonight.  Panic is exhausting.  I’ve had two Orange Fantas – damn I hate that drinking gives me headache.  This would have been a good time to start.  

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Reprinted and updated from Divorce360, April 2008

Since I’ve been separated, I’ve had trouble sleeping.  My bed is right in front of the door and a friend told me I should move it.  How can that help?

Take Charge of Your Sleep

Although problems with getting recuperative rest are common during times of stress, the position of the bed can greatly impact your sleep, even if life is going smoothly. While you’re asleep, you are already at your most vulnerable. Why? because, as a species, we are not conscious of things going on around us when we sleep. 

Most animals (includiing ducks and fish) sleep with one eye open, but not humans. Instead, we let the right brain do the work of sensing threat. Since it’s fairly common to feel exposed when considering divorce, our sense of vulnerability intensifies. Emotional vulnerability, is often felt physically.  It may be the first time in decades that we’ve lived alone. Consequently, we tend to be more acutely aware of this in the evenings and when sleeping alone.

Create a “Safe-Zone”

It usually doesn’t occur to people that the position of the bed could add yet another layer of tension. But, because the brain is always doing its risk assessment, bed position is a big deal. If the bed is directly in line with the door (so that a person walking straight through the door would run into the bed) the brain registers more risk, even if we know rationally that we are in a safe place.  So what to do?          

Your friend was right—move your bed if at all possible.  Yes, we want to be able to see the door, but that doesn’t mean we have to sleep in front of it.  The ideal bed location affords the largest view of the room and a view of the door (positions 1 or 2 in the diagram to the left.) That way you have both privacy and security. 

And… Jettison the Work Stuff While You’re at it

And while you’re at it, think about removing things like the television, computer, clutter and work-out equipment too!  We tend to sleep better when we leave our work, our to-do list and the nightly news out of the bedroom.

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2003

Well – we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day and it gives one pause to consider…who d’ya love.  Our programming for this day has us immediately turn to romantic interests and so I’ll concentrate on that – for the most part, but not entirely.  Let’s assume for the moment that you are in the category of coupled or wanting to be.  This is not to say, that everyone has that interest – nor should they.  But, as I said – we’re taking that as a starting point.  So what can Feng Shui do to help you in this respect?  A few things come to mind and they don’t all have to do with Mandarin Ducks.  DUCKS you say?  What’s that got to do with romance and partnering?

What’s Feng Shui Got to Do With It?

Here’s what.  Much of Feng Shui – the art of arranging your environment to support you in all of life’s pursuits – has to do with symbolism. 

The things with which we surround ourselves act as triggers for all manner of things conscious and sub-conscious.  Knowing this, it’s wise to create your environment with care.  If you want to have a supportive, nurturing relationship, you would not – for instance – put pictures of fighting roosters (nor any other critters that are known to be philanderers or animals of prey) in your bedroom.  It just does not conjure the coupling patterns to which most of us aspire.  

Quackery or Symbolism?

If this sounds like Quackery to you, well – that bring us back to ducks.    Mandarin Ducks are traditionally used in Asian culture to represent long-term, monogamous couple relationships – because Mandarin ducks mate for life.   So that’s one place to start:  you can use artwork, sculpture, etc. depicting a pair of creatures that mate for life as a symbol of what you want in your own relationship.  Other animals that mate for life are cranes, sea horses – as opposed to the riding kind – and many other bird varieties – to mention some possibilities.  Frankly, any thing that represents a healthy pairing will work – if it has meaning to you.  Keep in mind that in your choice of symbols you want two adult partners, because it represents balance in the relationship.  Many animal pairs represented in artwork consist of an adult feeding an immature version.   Stay away from that one if you want a relationship of equals.  You might also choose a pair of candles, two roses, a sculpture of an adult couple embracing.  In the reverse, avoid pictures of isolation, hostile environments or too much water.  Water is an element that has no boundaries, and every healthy relationship has good boundaries.  Who wants a wishy-washy partner? 

Other Symbols to Support Relationship

• Flowers (earth energy suggestive of nurturing):  silks are OK, fresh are best if you don’t let them wilt, but stay away from dried (remember – they’re dead)
• Color in shades of yellow, pinks or terra cotta
• Objects made of terra cotta or clay (also earth-energy)
• Heavy objects because they represent grounded ness
• Pictures of you and your sweetie – but not with the family, kids, the football team, etc.

Pictures

By the way,  while we’re on the topic of pictures,  you might consider removing family pictures – those of your children, mom, dad, and  any other pictures that are not of you as a couple from your bedroom.  If this sounds weird to you, think about bringing them energetically into the bedroom with you.  Getting a little crowded?    This is couple time folks, and it’s time to get focused on each other. You can share the entire house with the clan, just not this room.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

(Find the Relationship area on the Bagua to the left and see how it relates to your home. If you want to organize a desk around this concept, where you sit qualifies as the front door. You might place a foto of you and your love-interest in that position.)

Bedrooms

But let’s get down to some “real life” issues:  people want to know what they can do in  their bedrooms to promote intimacy.  Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy. 

Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy.  This is true whether you’re sleeping with someone or alone.  In fact, it’s the same placement criteria as used for best rest, sleep and rejuvenation.  Ideally, you want to be able to see the door from the bed, but not be lined up with the door (that goes for bathroom doors too).  You’d like the largest possible view of the room.  It’s hard to sleep or get cozy if you’re always wondering who might surprise you walking through the door. 

Feeling Cramped?

Corner placement of the bed was a trendy things a few years back, and it’s used in a lot of wonderful bed and breakfast settings.  Yes, it’s looks cozy  – and it’s great for a bed and breakfast – because you don’t have to live with it every day.  The fact it – this placement becomes awkward for relationships.  Think about two grown adults climbing in and out of bed in the tiny little 15-degree angle that remains on each side of a bed shoved into the corner.  I get cantankerous just thinking about it and I’m a small person.  There’s not really enough room for a bedside table, lamps. phone, accoutrements – not to mention just getting in and out of a queen or king-size bed. 

Psychologically speaking it can result in each of you feeling like you don’t have enough “space” in the relationship. It may take a while to figure that out if you weren’t aware of this – all the while manifesting in all manner of arguments about “you never… I don’t have enough…).  You get the idea. Further, corner beds have voids between the headboard and the walls and this can cause one to feel uncharacteristically vulnerable or unsupported.  None of these emotions is useful in a relationship.

Balance in the Relationship

Now to the matter of bedside tables.  Yes – you both need one, even if you don’t always share the space.  This has to do with each side of the relationship being equally represented, sharing equal importance and being honored. It’s just as important if you’re not in a relationship, but want to be.  They don’t have to be the same or the same size, but they need to be balanced in visual weight using lamps, color or artwork to compensate for differences in actual size or shape. 

Clutter and Computers

Clear out the space under your bed.  In addition to collecting dust and fur balls, everything you have around you has memories or energy attached to it.  Storing your old divorce papers under your bed, un-finished projects? Nah – not a good idea.  It falls in the same category of having other non-bedroomy kinds of things in your bedroom. 

Computer desk?  OUT!  Workout equipment?  OUT!!  The desk to the left is lovely, but it doesn’t belong in your bedroom. Why? Because it’s really hard to unwind, sleep or get romantic when you’re being stared at by something that reminds you of work or something you “should” be doing. 

I once had a perfectly lovely, restful, large bedroom.  Large enough to bring in a computer hutch where I could work in private.  As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman:  “Big Mistake!  BIG MISTAKE!”  I couldn’t sleep whether it was opened or closed.  I moved it out and again, slept like a baby.  The very fact of it’s being there disturbed my sleep, even when it remained unused.  I hear these stories all the time from clients who have cleared their rooms of such things.    One more tricky thing:  if the instrument of woe is in the relationship corner of your bedroom – it carries a double whammy.  It says to the psyche:  “relationships are WORK.”  And maybe they are, but we needn’t add to the load. 

Re-ignite the Spark

One of the things I hear often from new parents or couples who have been together a long time is that they have misplaced the spark of being  “a couple.” We wear so many hats these days,  sometimes we even forget which one to put on or take off.  If you want to rekindle the couple role, carve out some time or space that is just yours.  The bedroom can become a romantic retreat; the bath – a “spa.”  Warm up you bathroom with a couple of candles, bath salts, soft towels and maybe some music.  Nothing calms the soul and washes away the worries of the day like taking a little time for ourselves.  Maybe you’d like to give or receive one hour of a luxurious soak in a tub of lavender or rose scented hot water, with good music and a candle burning.   We begin to rediscover our humanity and our connected-ness when we came come home to ourselves. 

Flying Solo?

With all the commercialization around Valentine’s Day, one would think that everyone in the world was part of a couple.  And if you are not – well join the parade.  No reason to feel left out.  I’ll tell you a story.  One year on February 13, my then husband moved out of the house.   He chose this date because he liked the symbolism and it added drama. He was hoping to stain my memory of Valentine’s Day forever.

Well, it did emblazon it in my memory, but not for the reasons you might think.   The next day was fairly traumatic, but in years since I have celebrated that day as the beginning of my liberation of self. The next year, he sent me an Un-Valentine card.  By that time I had regained my sense of humor  and realized it was a statement about him, not me.  I had begun to really understand and appreciate the stuff I am made of.  I have celebrated with friends and alone, and each is satisfying.  Instead of ignoring the day or feeling  “left out” I choose to embrace the celebration of love – of self, of being alive, of community, of children and the gifts of wisdom I have received as  part of every relationship, regardless of outcome or status.

All Relationships Begin with Self

Embrace the state of being able to make choices  that reflect the essence of who you have become and the wisdom and self assurance you have gained as a result of  all of the people you  love and have loved.  Don’t let anyone rain on your parade.

Whether you are solo or flying with a partner, remember that all relationships begin with the relationship to self.  You cannot receive from others what you are unwilling to give yourself.  Do you want to be cherished?  Cherish yourself – by calmly setting good boundaries and taking stock of your own talents and gifts.  You and others will see you in a different light.   Reread this article through a different lens, and recognize that each of us has a partnership with SELF.  Do the things that you thought of doing for your external partnership or the one you want to attract, and do it for YOU.  Each of us carries ying and yang, masculine and feminine, dark and light within us.  The very things that nurture romance, nurture the partnership within.  And taking care of that partnership takes care of us and every other relationship.

From my heart to your: Happy Valentine’s day

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