Reprinted from divorce360, April 2008

My ex and I have three lovely children.  As a mediator, can you suggest how we keep from putting the children in the middle and making them feel like pawns, as I have seen happen with some of our friends?   

Excellent question and one that goes far beyond the scope of this short answer.  That having been said here goes:

Avoid Competing with Your Ex

1.  Avoid he temptation to make derogatory comments about the other parent.  Children are amazingly intuitive and smart creatures, and are capable of making their own assessments if they are not prompted to take sides.  

2.   Kids are masters at the game of playing one parent against the other and often do it unconsciously.  Don’t engage!   Instead, communicate clearly with the other parent about plans, permissions, homework, medications. Furthermore, avoid contradicting the other unless it is a matter of health or safety.  And finally, don’t try to out-purchase or out-play each other!

3.  Recognize that children often experience about a three-day behavior shift after spending time with either parent.  It’s helpful to at least attempt consistency between households. Avoid intruding on their private time with the other parent, and don’t pump them for information afterward. While you at it, don’t share your own feelings of anger, frustration, distrust, jealousy or information about financial issues with them. They’re your kids, not your counselors.

Healthy Boundaries

Differences in parenting style are common and may have been a catalyst in the divorce.  Don’t expect those to disappear.  When issues arise, remember to ask questions that don’t imply fault, ask open ended questions to determine what interests may be underlying the problem, and don’t be afraid to seek joint counseling on co-parenting.  Set clear boundaries with your children to let them know that you don’t really need/want to know what the other parent is doing.  This helps them set healthy boundaries that will serve them well in developing their own friendships and relationships later in life.   

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2003

They’re coming! Ready or not! In fact they all seem to be here at once – if you believe what you see in the department stores. Well before Halloween, I was seeing Christmas paraphernalia. There’s something unsettling and off-putting about seeing Santa and Menorahs snuggled in there between the skeletons, cobwebs and spiders.

Starting with Halloween

I’ve heard talk about the fall and winter holidays being combined into one major holiday. Lousy concept, but the constant selling of Hanukah, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas leads one to wonder if it’s not already happening. Will it be called HanukHalThaMas? Sounds like a dinosaur… However we define it, the premature hawking of these and other holidays in an effort to jump start consumer spending also jump-starts the assorted stresses that go with the season and can sap energy.

Holiday Overload

Personally, the anticipation of the holidays is always tinged with the angst of anticipated overload and feeling cluttered on all levels – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. There’s the fact of shopping, some of which I want to do and much of which feels like a chore or an obligation to fulfill someone else’s fantasy of what the holidays should be.

Emotional Clutter

Then there’s the emotional clutter: memories of past holidays, expectations (both mine and other’s) and trying to keep up with previously set benchmarks of decorating, buying, cooking, and trying to create the “perfect” Kodak moment, memory-building holiday. The mental clutter of lists, obligations and simply trying to keep up with the normal chores of living add another layer of stress.

What’s to Do?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a scrooge, but I think some of this has gotten out-of-hand. As a culture, we are spending and hurrying more, but enjoying it less. What’s to be done? We have some choices here. Just because the media is on the fast track, doesn’t mean we have to climb on. Just as we can de-clutter closets and offices, so can we get rid of the excess baggage we carry around about holidays. Keep the parts you like – those that have meaning, and support you. Let go of the rest . It’ll help you enjoy the real essence of the holidays, whether it’s Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, whatever.

Re-imagining Your Holiday

Determine what each of these holidays really means to you in terms of family, tradition,  spending, emotional and spiritual impact, and energy investment.  What do you WANT it to be and how you want to integrate it with the rest of your life (i.e. the Nine Life Domains of Career, Wisdom, Family, Prosperity, Reputation, Relationships, Creativity/Children. Benefactors and Health)  Start there while you still have some lead time.  And then…

RESTRUCTURE

A Few Ideas for Restructuring

Here are a few ideas that I know have worked:

Set healthy boundaries. Keep the activities, people and events on your list that are consistent with what you discovered in your soul-searching. Gradually eliminate other tasks or delegate to those who want them. Plenty of “requirements” disappear when the folks who require them have to take responsibility for making them happen. You don’t really have to do everything others expect of you, nor all of the things you expect of yourself. Take stock, prioritize and streamline. And be prepared: not everyone will be happy about your desire to simplify, but it might have the benefit of their examining their own priorities. If you discuss how the simplification process will actually leave you more time and energy to be “present,” that may help. Be patient and “strong of heart.”

Engage others. I know this sounds like you’re running a business – and to some extent – you are. The same things that work to get employees and partners involved can work on the home front. Instead of doing everything to turn out the Better Homes and Gardens holiday, include family members or staff in your game plan. It engenders a sense of ownership and pride in what’s happening. Furthermore, it builds the tools for them to create traditions and comfort for themselves once out of cocoon. Also, remember that if it’s required to be “perfect,” they may resist doing anything because they know it can’t reach those standards. “Perfection “fallout” can continue when they flee the nest if their internalized model of perfection makes it hard to be alone and experiment with creating their new traditions.

Making Space

Get your kids (age 3 through 93) clean out their closets and toys bins (a.k.a. workshops, craft rooms, etc); and give items that are “like new,” gently used to a church or organization like Blue Santa . For kids, this is an exercise in sharing and an opportunity to feel the joy of unattached giving. It has the added value of clearing the way for the new “stuff” that comes during the holidays. Finally, it keeps them productively busy and reduces the “gimme” aspects of the season.

Recharge and Simplify

• Recharge, renew and re-focus often.
• Physical: 3X/week – walk, swim, dance or other aerobic exercise
• Mental: 10 min. break every 2-3 hours. Quite time (a cup of herbal tea, sit down, music, healthy snack for example).
• Emotional: once a day fully engage with your spouse, your kids or yourself. Listen, give from-the-heart feedback, laugh, cry…feel.
• Spiritual: bring your integrity to every moment, follow your inner compass.

Simplify parties. Instead of spending the pre-party week cleaning, cooking and shopping consider the possibility of a pot-luck where you provide one main item. Or – have a gift trade where everyone brings one wrapped “mystery” gift of something they’re ready to re-cycle (e.g. books, CD’s, previous gift items). Everyone gets a number and a chance to choose a gift. Each person following #1 can either choose a mystery gift or take a gift from one of those already received. The person who has to relinquish a gift, gets to repeat the process. This is an easy, low overhead party and more fun than most.

You can apply these same concepts to any endeavor to help create balance, creativity, focus, passion and joie de vivre. And remember: it’s not the destination that counts, it’s the quality of the journey. Enjoy your holidays – whatever and whenever you celebrate.

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