Reprinted and updated from Divorce360, April 2008

Since I’ve been separated, I’ve had trouble sleeping.  My bed is right in front of the door and a friend told me I should move it.  How can that help?

Take Charge of Your Sleep

Although problems with getting recuperative rest are common during times of stress, the position of the bed can greatly impact your sleep, even if life is going smoothly. While you’re asleep, you are already at your most vulnerable. Why? because, as a species, we are not conscious of things going on around us when we sleep. 

Most animals (includiing ducks and fish) sleep with one eye open, but not humans. Instead, we let the right brain do the work of sensing threat. Since it’s fairly common to feel exposed when considering divorce, our sense of vulnerability intensifies. Emotional vulnerability, is often felt physically.  It may be the first time in decades that we’ve lived alone. Consequently, we tend to be more acutely aware of this in the evenings and when sleeping alone.

Create a “Safe-Zone”

It usually doesn’t occur to people that the position of the bed could add yet another layer of tension. But, because the brain is always doing its risk assessment, bed position is a big deal. If the bed is directly in line with the door (so that a person walking straight through the door would run into the bed) the brain registers more risk, even if we know rationally that we are in a safe place.  So what to do?          

Your friend was right—move your bed if at all possible.  Yes, we want to be able to see the door, but that doesn’t mean we have to sleep in front of it.  The ideal bed location affords the largest view of the room and a view of the door (positions 1 or 2 in the diagram to the left.) That way you have both privacy and security. 

And… Jettison the Work Stuff While You’re at it

And while you’re at it, think about removing things like the television, computer, clutter and work-out equipment too!  We tend to sleep better when we leave our work, our to-do list and the nightly news out of the bedroom.

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Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2003

Well – we’re coming up on Valentine’s Day and it gives one pause to consider…who d’ya love.  Our programming for this day has us immediately turn to romantic interests and so I’ll concentrate on that – for the most part, but not entirely.  Let’s assume for the moment that you are in the category of coupled or wanting to be.  This is not to say, that everyone has that interest – nor should they.  But, as I said – we’re taking that as a starting point.  So what can Feng Shui do to help you in this respect?  A few things come to mind and they don’t all have to do with Mandarin Ducks.  DUCKS you say?  What’s that got to do with romance and partnering?

What’s Feng Shui Got to Do With It?

Here’s what.  Much of Feng Shui – the art of arranging your environment to support you in all of life’s pursuits – has to do with symbolism. 

The things with which we surround ourselves act as triggers for all manner of things conscious and sub-conscious.  Knowing this, it’s wise to create your environment with care.  If you want to have a supportive, nurturing relationship, you would not – for instance – put pictures of fighting roosters (nor any other critters that are known to be philanderers or animals of prey) in your bedroom.  It just does not conjure the coupling patterns to which most of us aspire.  

Quackery or Symbolism?

If this sounds like Quackery to you, well – that bring us back to ducks.    Mandarin Ducks are traditionally used in Asian culture to represent long-term, monogamous couple relationships – because Mandarin ducks mate for life.   So that’s one place to start:  you can use artwork, sculpture, etc. depicting a pair of creatures that mate for life as a symbol of what you want in your own relationship.  Other animals that mate for life are cranes, sea horses – as opposed to the riding kind – and many other bird varieties – to mention some possibilities.  Frankly, any thing that represents a healthy pairing will work – if it has meaning to you.  Keep in mind that in your choice of symbols you want two adult partners, because it represents balance in the relationship.  Many animal pairs represented in artwork consist of an adult feeding an immature version.   Stay away from that one if you want a relationship of equals.  You might also choose a pair of candles, two roses, a sculpture of an adult couple embracing.  In the reverse, avoid pictures of isolation, hostile environments or too much water.  Water is an element that has no boundaries, and every healthy relationship has good boundaries.  Who wants a wishy-washy partner? 

Other Symbols to Support Relationship

• Flowers (earth energy suggestive of nurturing):  silks are OK, fresh are best if you don’t let them wilt, but stay away from dried (remember – they’re dead)
• Color in shades of yellow, pinks or terra cotta
• Objects made of terra cotta or clay (also earth-energy)
• Heavy objects because they represent grounded ness
• Pictures of you and your sweetie – but not with the family, kids, the football team, etc.

Pictures

By the way,  while we’re on the topic of pictures,  you might consider removing family pictures – those of your children, mom, dad, and  any other pictures that are not of you as a couple from your bedroom.  If this sounds weird to you, think about bringing them energetically into the bedroom with you.  Getting a little crowded?    This is couple time folks, and it’s time to get focused on each other. You can share the entire house with the clan, just not this room.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

So now that you’ve chosen something, where might you put it?  In terms of the Feng Shui map or Bagua, visualize the far upper right corner of the house or the room you are in.  That’s the one that relates energetically to Relationships.  The same goes for your desk, if you want to include that  in your model.

(Find the Relationship area on the Bagua to the left and see how it relates to your home. If you want to organize a desk around this concept, where you sit qualifies as the front door. You might place a foto of you and your love-interest in that position.)

Bedrooms

But let’s get down to some “real life” issues:  people want to know what they can do in  their bedrooms to promote intimacy.  Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy. 

Let’s start with where to put the bed.   A general rule of thumb for the placement of the bed is the one that affords greatest privacy.  This is true whether you’re sleeping with someone or alone.  In fact, it’s the same placement criteria as used for best rest, sleep and rejuvenation.  Ideally, you want to be able to see the door from the bed, but not be lined up with the door (that goes for bathroom doors too).  You’d like the largest possible view of the room.  It’s hard to sleep or get cozy if you’re always wondering who might surprise you walking through the door. 

Feeling Cramped?

Corner placement of the bed was a trendy things a few years back, and it’s used in a lot of wonderful bed and breakfast settings.  Yes, it’s looks cozy  – and it’s great for a bed and breakfast – because you don’t have to live with it every day.  The fact it – this placement becomes awkward for relationships.  Think about two grown adults climbing in and out of bed in the tiny little 15-degree angle that remains on each side of a bed shoved into the corner.  I get cantankerous just thinking about it and I’m a small person.  There’s not really enough room for a bedside table, lamps. phone, accoutrements – not to mention just getting in and out of a queen or king-size bed. 

Psychologically speaking it can result in each of you feeling like you don’t have enough “space” in the relationship. It may take a while to figure that out if you weren’t aware of this – all the while manifesting in all manner of arguments about “you never… I don’t have enough…).  You get the idea. Further, corner beds have voids between the headboard and the walls and this can cause one to feel uncharacteristically vulnerable or unsupported.  None of these emotions is useful in a relationship.

Balance in the Relationship

Now to the matter of bedside tables.  Yes – you both need one, even if you don’t always share the space.  This has to do with each side of the relationship being equally represented, sharing equal importance and being honored. It’s just as important if you’re not in a relationship, but want to be.  They don’t have to be the same or the same size, but they need to be balanced in visual weight using lamps, color or artwork to compensate for differences in actual size or shape. 

Clutter and Computers

Clear out the space under your bed.  In addition to collecting dust and fur balls, everything you have around you has memories or energy attached to it.  Storing your old divorce papers under your bed, un-finished projects? Nah – not a good idea.  It falls in the same category of having other non-bedroomy kinds of things in your bedroom. 

Computer desk?  OUT!  Workout equipment?  OUT!!  The desk to the left is lovely, but it doesn’t belong in your bedroom. Why? Because it’s really hard to unwind, sleep or get romantic when you’re being stared at by something that reminds you of work or something you “should” be doing. 

I once had a perfectly lovely, restful, large bedroom.  Large enough to bring in a computer hutch where I could work in private.  As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman:  “Big Mistake!  BIG MISTAKE!”  I couldn’t sleep whether it was opened or closed.  I moved it out and again, slept like a baby.  The very fact of it’s being there disturbed my sleep, even when it remained unused.  I hear these stories all the time from clients who have cleared their rooms of such things.    One more tricky thing:  if the instrument of woe is in the relationship corner of your bedroom – it carries a double whammy.  It says to the psyche:  “relationships are WORK.”  And maybe they are, but we needn’t add to the load. 

Re-ignite the Spark

One of the things I hear often from new parents or couples who have been together a long time is that they have misplaced the spark of being  “a couple.” We wear so many hats these days,  sometimes we even forget which one to put on or take off.  If you want to rekindle the couple role, carve out some time or space that is just yours.  The bedroom can become a romantic retreat; the bath – a “spa.”  Warm up you bathroom with a couple of candles, bath salts, soft towels and maybe some music.  Nothing calms the soul and washes away the worries of the day like taking a little time for ourselves.  Maybe you’d like to give or receive one hour of a luxurious soak in a tub of lavender or rose scented hot water, with good music and a candle burning.   We begin to rediscover our humanity and our connected-ness when we came come home to ourselves. 

Flying Solo?

With all the commercialization around Valentine’s Day, one would think that everyone in the world was part of a couple.  And if you are not – well join the parade.  No reason to feel left out.  I’ll tell you a story.  One year on February 13, my then husband moved out of the house.   He chose this date because he liked the symbolism and it added drama. He was hoping to stain my memory of Valentine’s Day forever.

Well, it did emblazon it in my memory, but not for the reasons you might think.   The next day was fairly traumatic, but in years since I have celebrated that day as the beginning of my liberation of self. The next year, he sent me an Un-Valentine card.  By that time I had regained my sense of humor  and realized it was a statement about him, not me.  I had begun to really understand and appreciate the stuff I am made of.  I have celebrated with friends and alone, and each is satisfying.  Instead of ignoring the day or feeling  “left out” I choose to embrace the celebration of love – of self, of being alive, of community, of children and the gifts of wisdom I have received as  part of every relationship, regardless of outcome or status.

All Relationships Begin with Self

Embrace the state of being able to make choices  that reflect the essence of who you have become and the wisdom and self assurance you have gained as a result of  all of the people you  love and have loved.  Don’t let anyone rain on your parade.

Whether you are solo or flying with a partner, remember that all relationships begin with the relationship to self.  You cannot receive from others what you are unwilling to give yourself.  Do you want to be cherished?  Cherish yourself – by calmly setting good boundaries and taking stock of your own talents and gifts.  You and others will see you in a different light.   Reread this article through a different lens, and recognize that each of us has a partnership with SELF.  Do the things that you thought of doing for your external partnership or the one you want to attract, and do it for YOU.  Each of us carries ying and yang, masculine and feminine, dark and light within us.  The very things that nurture romance, nurture the partnership within.  And taking care of that partnership takes care of us and every other relationship.

From my heart to your: Happy Valentine’s day

The post Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime appeared first on Nancy Wesson Consulting.

Reprinted from The Austin Homesteader, 2002

What do farm animals (sheep in particular) and Lavender Eye Pillows have in common?  OK – they’re both fluffy.  No that’s not it……     Sleep!  They are both mentioned  as possible remedies for insomnia.  Counting sheep has never worked for me – before I get too far into it, we’re off to somewhere else on the farm.  Besides, after chasing a few to get them back behind the fence at my sister’s farm in West Virginia and hearing  all of the baa’ing in unison  – one basso profundo, several tenors, and a tiny soprano, there’s nothing remotely restful about sheep.    Kava Kava, Chamomile tea,  or Valerian Root can sometimes take the edge off a restless night.  And I do love those little Eye Pillows filled with lavender – they smell good and keep my eye lids weighted down, but most of the above options haven’t provided much relief . 

You Don’t Have to Count Sheep

There are tomes written about sleep disorders and I don’t plan to add to that. However, there are some really effective remedies that have to do with the way you arrange your bedroom.

I seem to work with a lot of folks with sleep disorders-ranging from not sleeping through the night to having to read War and Peace before nodding off. Not sleeping well really does take its toll on health, relationships, creativity, productivity, and well – life in general.

A Few Tips

Here are a few tips to try before you reach for the sleeping pills.    Not only will they help with your sleep, they make the bedroom feel cozy and private. .  The ideas listed below have worked for many people.  So read ‘em and sleep.  

• Position your bed so that you can see the door without  being line with it.   Draw an imaginary straight line coming through the door.  If it falls across your body at any point,  your sleep is probably being impacted by placement.  WHY?  In practical terms, there is a lack of privacy.  In terms of your subconscious, you don’t have enough warning before someone “walks in on you.”  This is true even if you feel very safe and secure in your home.  The psyche is always scanning when you sleep this way, and this exposed position interferes with restful sleep.

Seriously – Get a Headboard

• If you don’t already have one, you deserve it. And you’re probably not in college anymore, so you don’t have to move it every semester. Solid is best because it gives the feeling of greater support and protection.  Sleeping in a bed without a headboard is a little like sitting with your back to the door.  Again, it feels less secure and more temporary.  A headboard gives you both real and symbolic support, and can make for more restful sleep.  (Note the photo to the left: both sides of the bed have a table and lamp adding an extra sense of balance.)

• The bathroom!  Can you see the bathroom from where you sleep?    Seems like a good idea  when you’re fumbling your way through the dark  to have that sucker just as close to your bed as possible doesn’t it?  Wrong….   Here’s the deal.  If you’re sleeping next to the bathroom door, once again your subconscious is ALWAYS AWARE and you’re likely to be getting up more times in the night to use the facilities than is physiologically necessary.  Sure you wake up and “go,”  because the toilet is calling to you “ I’m heeeeerrr.”    Moving the bed is sometimes all that’s necessary to deal with this problem. Closing the door is less effective, but might offer some help.

And those mirrors!

• Do you sleep in the “Hall of Mirrors?”   Oops – right next to a solid wall of mirrored sliding doors?    Or – you have a beautiful dressing alcove lined with mirrors and you can see it from your bed. Mirrors in a bedroom interfere with sleep and you can pick and choose from a list of reasons, some of which might sound like hocus-pocus, but work nevertheless. Several of my clients with long histories of  sleep problems have  beds  in just such  positions.  With no other placement options available, I suggested hanging drapes (sheer or heavy)  on a tension rod, to close over the alcove (or sliding door mirrors) at night     They all have reported improved sleep.

If you can move the mirrors or the bed, do it.  If not, sheers or posters on the mirrored doors (especially in a kids room) really make a difference.  Draping a free standing mirror with a scarf also works.

The room to the left has both culprits: a mirror and a TV (coming up next on the sleep-offender list). When the TV is off, it acts as an addtional reflective surface.

Don’t Hate ME… but:

• No TV!!   ( NOW SHE’S GONE TOO FAR!!)   There’s many a husband (or wife) out there that given the choice between a TV or  spouse in the bedroom would say  “I’m really gonna miss that  woman (man)!”     Besides TVs emitting  EMF long after they are turned off, there are myriad reasons to get the one-eyed monster out of the bedroom.  First, whatever you’re watching just before sleep, stays with you.   The news, latest victim movie, or WWL wrestling match are not great bedtime stories.  Then, there is the fact that the TV, once off acts like a mirror.  And if you need another reason, having the TV blaring is not really conducive to other more relaxing pastimes – like reading, talking or romance.    So, if you’re not going to take the TV OUT, at least close it behind cabinet doors, or put a cover over it before  nodding off.
• Remove the desk/computer.    When you have a work station in your bedroom, your mind is never completely at rest.    Somewhere in you night- brain there is a guilt laden workaholic reminding you that you have bills to pay, letters to write, tests to study for.    You can get rid of that  middle-of-the-night chatter (or at least muffle it) if you get your work out of the bedroom.  The same is true of bringing work to bed with you.  It’s not good for sleep or  romance – and rumor has it that those are the ONLY two things that should go on in the bedroom.  

More…

• If I haven’t completely alienated you with the last suggestion, there are some more good tips that help create a cozier bedroom.  

If I haven’t completely alienated you with the last suggestion, there are some more good tips that help create a cozier bedroom.  

Bring in a comfy chair or two for private conversations, reading or meditating.  Add a little side table, an afghan and a good reading lamp and it feels like you’ve gone to a bed and breakfast for the weekend.  Also good to encourage couple time, away from  curious little people, or noisier teenage people.

Give both sides of the bed a bed side table and lamp.  They should be balance in composition, but not necessarily identical.   This symbolically recognizes both partners in a relationship as equally important.   Think about what it says when only one of you merits a lamp, place to put your nighttime things, etc.  

Add a soft, luxurious rug to put your feet on  when you get up in the morning and bring in some fresh flowers.   Now, take a nice warm bath, put on some soft relaxing music and go to sleep.  

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