Divorce is one those things that happens to other people, until one day we wake up and discover “we” are other people. It happened to me – twice in fact. But we all know divorce doesn’t just “happen.” Marriage is like any other life endeavor. We have the opportunity to be fully present and actively orchestrate life, or to operate in response mode, termed “crisis management” in corporate vernacular.
Divorce is the ultimate end-game in crisis management. Generally, if we find ourselves there, it’s because one or both of us stopped being fully aware and have been operating on autopilot for so long we missed cues, and therefore the opportunity to make a mid-course correction. Divorce is what happens when we have strayed so far off- course that we can no longer “get there from here.” Or possibly, the destination has changed entirely, because we’re not the same people we were when we started the journey. It’s the wake-up call that came too late.
Auto-Pilot
Often, when we marry, we simply collapse ourselves into the relationship and our new roles. Maybe we unconsciously begin to live by the rule-set we learned at the knees of our parents.
Looking back, we can see that we became who we thought we needed to be and—at the time—it seemed natural. I used to believe women were more apt to lose themselves in the roles of wives and mothers-perhaps because that’s what I did after having been a professional in my work life. But it is clearly not that unilateral. Men also operate on autopilot and fall into default patterns created by work demands and the roles their fathers played.
The problem with operating on auto-pilot, is we can fly into stormy terrain before we realize it.
Re-writing Contracts
As time passes, one or both partners look up and realize the marriage no longer works and that they have become different people. Life created through default as opposed to conscious choice serves no one. Some couples rise to the challenge, re-write their original “contracts,” and move forward re-inventing the partnership as they go. Others opt out and vow to live life differently.
Following divorce, we are exhausted and generally just trying to put life back together. It’s normal to fall back into the old routines, where they still exist. They feel safe. But over the years, the repetitive nature of our thoughts and actions has created large neural networks. When things happen that disrupt those automated behaviors, neural networks become disorganized and we feel anxious and often try to re-trench into old patterns, running the risk of re-creating the same patterns and relationships we just left.
The Gift
The gift in this stage has to do with the fact that it’s easier to re-wire the brain when we are already in situations that require different responses. In neuroscience there is the rule: neurons that fire together, wire together. Those that no longer fire together fall away— pruning themselves like dead branches of a tree—and new associations are formed, The result is new networks and a new brain chemistry to match. This is news you can use when dealing with re-formatting life after any transition that disrupts engrained patterns.
When exposed to the choice of returning to the old or creating new and deliberate pathways, it helps if we have thought about what we want these new paths to be. Yes—a “better life,” is always the choice, but that’s too vague. Having a structure around which we can build, makes the process easier. So where do we start?
In my business, I help people manage their energy and personal resources (mind, body, spirit and environment) to live deliberately and create lives characterized by choice After a lot of research, the best I have found has been around for thousands of years. It’s more practical and target specific than any of the others and addresses nine different life domains that everyone can relate to: Career, Spirituality, Family, Money, Reputation, Intimate Relationships, Children (Creativity), Helpful People, and Health. The name of the practice that defines these areas is Feng Shui and its methodology uses thought, emotion, intention and environment in concert to bring us closer to our goals and dreams.
Setting Intentions: In a Nutshell
1. Start with writing down your heart’s desires in each of the Nine Life Domains. The rules are:
- • Write in the affirmative (eg. A fulfilling job…)
- • Avoid referencing what you don’t want. (eg. Avoid saying: a job where I don’t hate my boss…)
- • Write as though it already exists (eg. I have a fulfilling job, an excellent boss…)
2. Arrange your space according to Feng Shui Concepts and remove items that evoke negative associations.
3. Whenever you find yourself thinking/feeling old patterns, remind yourself of your new intentions to help continue the neural re-wiring. Partnering this thought with a genuinely positive emotion expedites the re-wiring process.
Although the population addressed is different, all of these concepts are addressed in my book Moving Your Aging Parents: Fulfilling their needs and yours before, during and after the move. Why? Because they are basic to every life transition and the act of living a deliberate life, whatever your age.