by Nancy Wesson
Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360 March 2008
My husband and I are trying to conduct our property settlement via mediation and my friends says I’m nuts, but I want to keep this friendly. At what point should I consider getting an attorney?
Many mediators are attorneys, but when mediating, there is a different mandate. That is, in short, to keep it neutral and assist the parties in creating solutions both parties can live with.
Balance of Power
Ideally, when deciding on “mine vs. yours,” or any other mediation for that matter, the power should be balanced. Often, however, it is not.
- If your husband has an attorney, you should have your own.
- If you begin to feel there is a power imbalance, protect your own interests by taking an attorney with you–even if he does not.
Just because you’re mediating, does NOT mean the mediator can balance the power relationship, and it does not mean you can’t bring an attorney with you.
Keeping it Friendly?
Also, if the reason you’re trying to keep it friendly is because you’re really afraid of the consequences of standing up for yourself, it’s time to call in help.
Further, a mediator’s job is to ask the right kinds of questions that allow parties to air grievances, have their real underlying causes addressed (not resolved, but heard) and help you and your husband generate options which can be fleshed out to come to a satisfactory agreement.
The idea is for each party to leave with a sense of ownership.
The mediator should not be making suggestions or guiding the settlement. It’s your mediator’s task to, set guidelines for behaviors during the session and to see that those are honored.
If the session devolves into bullying, threatening or intimidating by either of you, the mediator has lost control and that’s a red flag. If that happens, you need an advocate/attorney and it’s time to shift gears.