by Nancy Wesson
Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360, 2008
My husband and I are separated and really trying to use this time to rediscover what we each want out of life and see if we can find that together. We’ve been married a long time and seem to have gotten stuck in the same arguments over and over, even though I think we both want to move beyond these. As a former mediator, can you offer any suggestions?
Erase the Line-in-the-Sand
First, I recommend finding a counselor to coach you in new ways of communicating. That having been said, there are a few tips I have found really priceless in terms of erasing the line-in-the-sand that so often results just because we didn’t know how to ask a question. When we’re talking to husbands, good friends and our kids we tend to fall back on the methods of communicating and managing conflict that we learned in our families during childhood. They don’t usually work. But the change is easier than you might think.
Think of conversation as a dance, where each of you can predict the next step based on the way you’ve always danced together. What would happen if one of you changed a step? The other partner has to respond differently, bring something “new” the the floor.
In conversation, one way to do that is change the way a question is asked.
The way we phrase a question can predetermine the answer or at least the emotion behind the answer. And that’s what you’re after: a different emotion – one that might help re-ignite the “spark.”
Ask Old Questions in a New Way
For example, the seemingly simple question: “Why do you like that?” implies a right or wrong answer. It can put the listener on the defensive, resulting in a response that tells you nothing except what he/she will or won’t do.
Asked another way, the question: “What about {that} is important to you? “ suggests that you are actually interested in learning more about your partner’s needs, desires and interests.
By bringing a little more awareness to the way you ask and answer questions, many potential arguments can be avoided. Meanwhile, others evolve into thoughtful discussions where information is truly shared and new insights come forward. Discovering your own conflict style and learning new ways to ask old questions are relationship building tools. They’ll help you and your partner learn about each other and move the conversation in surprising new directions. The best part? You’ll have a lot more fun “dancing” together!
Trust me… I’ve even used these technique on my teenage sons, and they are magical! There are a number of great books out there offering new ways to talk. Among them:
- Getting to Yes, Fisher, Roger and William Ury
- Crucial Conversations, Patterson, Kerry; Joseph Grenny, et al