Re-printed and updated from Divorce 360, April 2008          

After my divorce, I’m trying to move forward and seek a new relationship.  I have pictures of my ex around because I want the kids to feel that even though their parents divorced we are still there for them as parents.  I’ve been told I shouldn’t have such pictures around if I’m trying to attract a new romantic partner.  What’s your opinion?

Pictures for the Kids

First, I commend you regarding your support of your children and wanting to maintain their sense of security regarding parenting!  Having pictures in their rooms sounds like a good idea. You could also make personal albums for them to remind them of good times and maintain continuity. Adding pictures as you create new history with them will send communicate to them that they are still secure in their relationship with you as parents, regardless of the divorce.

But Not in Your Office or Bedroom!

Regarding your own pursuit of a new relationship, I recommend you remove pictures from your office and bedroom for several reasons. 

1. First, pictures with your ex remind you consciously and subconsciously of the issues you had with your spouse. In turn, that can interfere with attracting a healthier, new partnership. Past history tends to color what we believe is possible in other relationships. Moving forward, old patterns can doom us to choosing partners with similar core issues, unless those are brought to a conscious level and addressed. 
2. Further, when you do find a romantic possibility, pictures of your ex bring their energy into play. When that happens, there are three people in the relationship, emotionally speaking.. 
3. Finally, and most obvious, is the fact that your new squeeze may think you’re not quite over your ex, but you’ve probably already figured out that one!

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How can I use the symbolic aspects of Feng Shui to heal a family rift that has resulted since my divorce?

One of the most powerful aspects of Feng Shui is the ability to use intention to shift life. Once you’re clear about a desire, choose a symbol to represent it, and place it in the environment as a reminder. That action strengthens your commitment every time you see the object. Since it’s natural to focus on things that trouble us, we tend to get into an automatic-thought loop. Additionally, when the loop plays repeatedly in the background of your mind, it reinforces the pattern you don’t want. That is, unless/until you break the loop.

Moving forward, if you continue this automatic thought long enough, it forms a synaptic-pairing in the brain. The firing of that synapse every time you think the thought, influences brain chemistry, by releasing neurotransmitters that are released. In turn, that creates your emotions. 

Breaking that pattern produces a different chemistry, and a different emotional response to those issues. 

Synaptic-Pairing

Taking it a step further, the resulting energy/signal you send out influences events and people around you. Consequently, the more positive signal, creates a more positive response from those around you and can go a long way toward healing relationships.

One of my favorite quotes that supports the above is often attributed to Goethe, but is actually for W.H. Murray:

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Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360,  January 2008

What exactly is Feng Shui and how can it help me in dealing with my Divorce?

So often during this transition we find ourselves simply responding to the events surrounding us, causing us to stay focused on what we don’t want, instead of the kind of life we do want.  To develop a life we love, it’s not enough to know what we are moving away from, we must know what we are moving toward.

Choose Your Destination

Research in Quantum Physics has shown that our thoughts and emotions influence events, because we are in constant communication with others at the energetic level.  We also know that getting clear about our intentions is a powerful tool in co-creating the life and relationships we choose.  Notice, I used the word choose here and this is where Feng Shui comes in. 

The ancient practice of Feng Shui combines the sciences of ergonomics, psychology, spiritulity and Quantum Physics—making it equally suited for modern life. It asks that we first determine what we choose for ourselves in each of the nine Life Domains:

• Career
• Spirituality
• Family
• Finances
• Reputation
• Intimate Relationships
• Children
• Mentors (Helpful People)
• Health

With those choices in mind, we can then create the physical environment that supports them.

Drawing the Map

While environmental adjustments are an important part of this practice, the initial step of consciously stating our intentions is extraordinarily effective and accomplishes several powerful goals:

• It defines the destination and provides a focal point.
• It shifts the emotional energy from negative to pro-active.
• Positive thoughts literally shift brain chemistry and make us feel better.         

            This new vision of what we want life to be acts like a road map to help us navigate the transitions to come. It shines a beacon of light on our destination and helps us reach it with grace and commitment.

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Reprinted and updated from Divorce 360, 2008

I’ve been divorced for six months and am not remotely interested in another romantic relationship at this point.  Should I be concerned that the relationship area of my house is missing and if so, how can I correct it?

Your Relationship to Yourself

In the practice of Feng Shui, Relationship includes intimate relationships and partnerships. The most important of those is relationship to yourself.  Regardless of the desire for romance, all relationships stem from the way we feel about ourselves, and whether we honor the contracts we make with ourselves. On the personal level, if you repeatedly encounter people who don’t respect your needs and boundaries, ask yourself if you are honoring your needs.  By always putting personal needs last and accepting what’s left-over, you are broadcasting that you are not worth acknowledging. If others don’t respect your boundaries, have you been clear in acknowledging them?   External relationships act as a mirror or what’s going on internally.  

Correct a Missing Relationship

After a divorce or a prolonged relationship, it often takes a while to get reacquainted with yourself. So …spend some time taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally.  If your home is missing this Relationship area (the back, right corner of the house), you can strengthen it by attending to the relationship sector in each room of the house. For example, place something that symbolizes relationship in that area. If it’s cluttered, clean it out – move some energy. Additionally, adjustments can be made outside the house in what would-have-been the Relationship area.

Anything symbolic of nurturing can work there. Plant flowers, create a comfort-zone for relaxing, or place statuary that suggests supportive relationships.  Pairs of things suggest not only partnership with another, but also the honoring of the different aspects of our own personalities.  For example, the cranes on the left symbolize commitment, because they mate for life. Adjustments such as these act as a reminder of our intention to take care or ourselves. 

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Re-printed and updated from Divorce 360, March 2008

I’ve just moved into the first home I’ve ever lived in without my wife.  The dresser in my bedroom is one we shared for eighteen years. It reminds me of all the turmoil of the divorce and because it’s the first thing I see every morning, I start the day feeling negative. I can’t afford to replace it.  Got any ideas?

Re-script the Memory

Furniture can have strong emotional associations and a piece you shared for so long in a space as intimate as your bedroom, can really bring up old stuff.   If it’s the first thing you see in the morning, it can ruin your whole day—so consider moving it until you have some distance from the divorce.   Often, just using a piece of furniture in a different way can lessen the intensity of the feelings surrounding it.  For example, in the image to the left, a dresser is repurposed as a breakfront n the family room.)

  We tend to re-use furniture for the same purpose they were used in the previous house.  Using pieces in totally different ways, can make it seem like we’ve re-decorated.  So don’t’ be locked in to the old patterns.  Think outside the box!

New Life for an Old Dresser

Depending on style and quality, the dresser might be used:

• Behind a free-standing sofa as a console, with lamps and accessories, to hold linens, work supplies, etc.
• In a guest room where you don’t see it as often
• As a break-front in the dining room
• As storage in the garage.

In its place, use a storage piece that doesn’t hold such automatic memories.  A TV armoire can also hold clothing, by adding shelves or bins.  A bookcase, filled with handsome baskets can serve as a functional and attractive substitute for dresser drawers.  After a while, you might discover that you really love the old piece and be able to reincorporate it into your room.  If all else fails, change the knobs or drawer pulls, to “make it yours,” move it to a place in the room you don’t lay eyes on it at first blink in the morning or trade with a buddy.

The post Thriving Through Divorce: Move Your Stuff appeared first on Nancy Wesson Consulting.

Reprinted and updated from Divorce360, April 2008

Since I’ve been separated, I’ve had trouble sleeping.  My bed is right in front of the door and a friend told me I should move it.  How can that help?

Take Charge of Your Sleep

Although problems with getting recuperative rest are common during times of stress, the position of the bed can greatly impact your sleep, even if life is going smoothly. While you’re asleep, you are already at your most vulnerable. Why? because, as a species, we are not conscious of things going on around us when we sleep. 

Most animals (includiing ducks and fish) sleep with one eye open, but not humans. Instead, we let the right brain do the work of sensing threat. Since it’s fairly common to feel exposed when considering divorce, our sense of vulnerability intensifies. Emotional vulnerability, is often felt physically.  It may be the first time in decades that we’ve lived alone. Consequently, we tend to be more acutely aware of this in the evenings and when sleeping alone.

Create a “Safe-Zone”

It usually doesn’t occur to people that the position of the bed could add yet another layer of tension. But, because the brain is always doing its risk assessment, bed position is a big deal. If the bed is directly in line with the door (so that a person walking straight through the door would run into the bed) the brain registers more risk, even if we know rationally that we are in a safe place.  So what to do?          

Your friend was right—move your bed if at all possible.  Yes, we want to be able to see the door, but that doesn’t mean we have to sleep in front of it.  The ideal bed location affords the largest view of the room and a view of the door (positions 1 or 2 in the diagram to the left.) That way you have both privacy and security. 

And… Jettison the Work Stuff While You’re at it

And while you’re at it, think about removing things like the television, computer, clutter and work-out equipment too!  We tend to sleep better when we leave our work, our to-do list and the nightly news out of the bedroom.

The post Wide Awake? Take Charge of Your Sleep appeared first on Nancy Wesson Consulting.

Resilience

One of the most worrisome aspects of divorce is helping our children thrive as they navigate their new future.  Some comfort might be taken from what a children’s therapist once told me:  “ Kids are amazingly resilient and will take their queue from the parent’s attitude about the divorce. If {the custodial parent} is OK – the kids will be O.K.” 

Intention in Practical Terms

In Feng Shui, our desire to move forward and help our children do the same, would be called intention. In other words, it’s our conscious commitment to creating the life we choose, expressed in our attitude, decisions and actions. In practice, living with intention means living proactively, not reactively. So—although the family dynamic has changed, each parent still has the opportunity to build new memories and history with their children.

(In the Feng Shui Bagua, Children, Creativity and Future share a section, because Children represent our desire to create brought into the future.)

Seize this opportunity to discover what your kids are looking forward to. While you’e at it, ask yourself the same question.   Don’t assume that just because your family has “always done” certain things that you need to stay in lock-step. Use this new information to empower your vision of the future as a family and as individuals.

Fun project: make a vision board of you all would like to do/see as part of life going forward. Then place the finished product in the future-area of either the house or of a room. (The door of entry becomes the front door (symbolically) so the future wall in the middle of the wall to the right upon entering.)

Feeling Secure Tops the List

While having fun is important, establishing healthy routines, maintaining contacts with friends and family members, and keeping a sense of humor all foster a sense of security. I’m not a therapist, but I know that when kids feel secure, they can relax. When that happens, fun can then emerge in the most ordinary activities—it need not be an event.

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Reclaimed and updated from Divorce360  February 2008

I’m newly divorced and trying to choose a house based on the Feng Shui model, but am confused about the Feng Shui map.  I want to create a sense of balance in my new life and I hear that the choice of a floor plan can make a difference.

Put Your Floor Plan to Good Use

You’re correct. Feng Shui is based on the understanding that our home environment influences the way life unfolds. The layout of a house matters partially because it relates to the efficiency and flow of the space. It’s also important for all of the nine Feng Shui life domains to be represented in the floor plan, though corrections can be made.

All of that said, if you find a place that feels good and that you love, you can change the balance and flow of the physical space through the use of Feng Shui adjustments. Those include furniture arrangement, ergonomics, symbolism, color, and light – to list a few.

Staying Centered

In addition, life feels more centered and is less likely to be derailed when there is balance among these aspects. A square or rectangular floor plan is ideal because all nine life areas are represented. In western schools of Feng Shui, the map (Bagua) is oriented to the architectural front door, not compass direction.   If the shape of the house is a square or rectangle the map would look like the map below. Just remember, the areas are energetic, not defined by interior wall placement.

When speaking of floor plan, you’re concerned with the actual footprint of the house and what falls under the roofline of the property.   (And yes—the garage counts, to answer a question I am frequently asked.) If one or more of these areas is missing, it can influence not only the way the house feels, but also the way life flows.  If you know this going in, you can make the adjustments before moving in and pre-empt issues.

TIP: Position the bottom of the Map with the front-most wall of the house on a line that is parallel to that of the front door. If the front door is set back from leading wall of the house, the bottom of the map lines-up with the front edge, not the door.

Reclaiming Missing Areas

Missing areas can be reclaimed using both literal and symbolic adjustments. Just as a plant sends out an energetic template into which a leaf grows, the layout of a house seems to act as a template into which life unfolds. It’s important to know that the symbolic corrections made are as effective as architectural ones. It’s all about energy.

How Do YOU FEEL Standing in the House?

Some of the most interesting houses, have floor plans that don’t conform to the map, so that shouldn’t be your overarching concern. The external environment is equally important. What do you see when you look out the windows and front door? What are your other senses telling you? Is it lined up with a T-intersection? Such houses are heavily impacted by the energy moving down the street directly at the house.

Do your due-diligence on the house (inspections, etc.), but otherwise: Does the house FEEL good and does it have the potential for adjustments?

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April 2008: Re-claimed, updated from Divorce360.com

I’m recently divorced and remaining in the house I shared with my ex.  Not only is some of the furniture gone—making the place feel empty—but everything is a reminder of my past.  How can I shake this feeling and make the place feel like mine?

Use Furniture Differently

That sounds familiar!  The good news is:  you can fix it.  The emotional aspect will take some time, but using familiar pieces of furniture in different ways can help even that along. We live with our furniture so long it’s sometimes hard to imagine that a dining table can now become a display piece, a desk or a project table. 

Changing hardware on a dresser can make it yours.  Get new bed linens, and I strongly recommend a new mattress if you can afford it.  Intimate  pieces can hold “energy” for a long time, making it harder to move on.  Sleep in the MIDDLE of the bed so it doesn’t feel like you’re missing a partner!

Paint!

Paint does wonders!  Find some colors that make your heart sing and go for it!  Sidestep colors your ex loved and find your own palette!  Warm colors for communal areas encourage conversation and activity, and can change the perceived temperature of the room!  Cooler colors support privacy, but can also make a room feel colder physically and emotionally. so add some warmth with accessories if you go that direction.  

Clear & Bless the Space

Finally—or maybe before you start any of the above projects—do an energetic clearing and a blessing on your house.  Best drums, rings bells, clap and chase away the divorce vibes.  Finish with a blessing using sandalwood, or frankincense and myrrh incense,  walking through each room saying a blessing or prayer of your choice.  It could be a simple as “Bless this space for my highest and best good, for my (my family’s) health and well-being.”  I predict you will feel a dramatic shift!

The post Giving new Life to a House without a Spouse appeared first on Nancy Wesson Consulting.

Divorce is the ultimate end-game in crisis management. Generally, if we find ourselves there, it’s because one or both of us stopped being fully aware and have been operating on autopilot for so long we missed cues, and therefore the opportunity to make a mid-course correction.  Divorce is what happens when we have strayed so far off- course that we can no longer “get there from here.” Or possibly, the destination has changed entirely, because we’re not the same people we were when we started the journey.   It’s the wake-up call that came too late.  

Auto-Pilot

Often, when we marry, we simply collapse ourselves into the relationship and our new roles. Maybe we unconsciously begin to live by the rule-set we learned at the knees of our parents.

Looking back, we can see that we became who we thought we needed to be and—at the time—it seemed natural.  I used to believe women were more apt to lose themselves in the roles of wives and mothers-perhaps because that’s what I did after having been a professional in my work life. But it is clearly not that unilateral.  Men also operate on autopilot and fall into default patterns created by work demands and the roles their fathers played. 

The problem with operating on auto-pilot, is we can fly into stormy terrain before we realize it.

Re-writing Contracts

As time passes, one or both partners look up and realize the marriage no longer works and that they have become different people.  Life created through default as opposed to conscious choice serves no one.  Some couples rise to the challenge, re-write their original “contracts,” and move forward re-inventing the partnership as they go. Others opt out and vow to live life differently. 

Following divorce, we are exhausted and generally just trying to put life back together. It’s normal to fall back into the old routines, where they still exist.  They feel safe. But over the years, the repetitive nature of our thoughts and actions has created large neural networks.  When things happen that disrupt those automated behaviors, neural networks become disorganized and we feel anxious and often try to re-trench into old patterns, running the risk of re-creating the same patterns and relationships we just left.   

The Gift

The gift in this stage has to do with the fact that it’s easier to re-wire the brain when we are already in situations that require different responses.  In neuroscience there is the rule: neurons that fire together, wire together.  Those that no longer fire together fall away— pruning themselves like dead branches of a tree—and new associations are formed,  The result is new networks and a new brain chemistry to match.  This is news you can use when dealing with re-formatting life after any transition that disrupts engrained patterns.  

When exposed to the choice of returning to the old or creating new and deliberate pathways, it helps if we have thought about what we want these new paths to be.  Yes—a  “better life,” is always the choice, but that’s too vague.  Having a structure around which we can build, makes the process easier.  So where do we start?

In my business, I help people manage their energy and personal resources (mind, body, spirit and environment) to live deliberately and create lives characterized by choice    After a lot of research, the best I have found has been around for thousands of years.  It’s more practical and target specific than any of the others and addresses nine different life domains that everyone can relate to:  Career, Spirituality, Family, Money, Reputation, Intimate Relationships, Children (Creativity), Helpful People, and Health.   The name of the practice that defines these areas is Feng Shui and its methodology  uses thought, emotion, intention and environment  in concert to bring us closer to our goals and dreams.  

Setting Intentions: In a Nutshell

1. Start with writing down your  heart’s desires in each of the Nine Life Domains.  The rules are:

• • Write in the affirmative  (eg. A fulfilling job…)
• • Avoid referencing what you don’t want.  (eg. Avoid saying:  a job where I don’t hate my boss…)
• • Write as though it already exists (eg.  I have a fulfilling job, an  excellent boss…)  

2.  Arrange your space according to Feng Shui Concepts and remove items that evoke negative associations.

3.  Whenever you find yourself thinking/feeling old patterns, remind yourself of your new intentions to help continue the neural re-wiring.  Partnering this thought with a genuinely positive emotion expedites the re-wiring process.

Although the population addressed is different, all of these concepts are addressed in my book Moving Your Aging Parents:  Fulfilling their needs and yours before, during and after the move.  Why?  Because they are basic to every life transition and the act of  living a deliberate life, whatever your age.

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