Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360 March 2008

My husband and I are trying to conduct our property settlement via mediation and my friends says I’m nuts, but I want to keep this friendly.  At what point should I consider getting an attorney? 

Many mediators are attorneys, but when mediating, there is a different mandate. That is, in short, to keep it neutral and assist the parties in creating solutions both parties can live with.

Balance of Power

 

Ideally, when deciding on “mine vs. yours,” or any other mediation for that matter, the power should be balanced. Often, however, it is not. 

• If your husband has an attorney, you should have your own. 
• If you begin to feel there is a power imbalance, protect your own interests by taking an attorney with you–even if he does not.  

Just because you’re mediating, does NOT mean the mediator can balance the power relationship, and it does not mean you can’t bring an attorney with you. 

Keeping it Friendly?

Also, if the reason you’re trying to keep it friendly is because you’re really afraid of the consequences of standing up for yourself, it’s time to call in help.

Further, a mediator’s job is to ask the right kinds of questions that allow parties to air grievances, have their real underlying causes addressed (not resolved, but heard) and help you and your husband generate options which can be fleshed out to come to a satisfactory agreement. 

The idea is for each party to leave with a sense of ownership.

The mediator should not be making suggestions or guiding the settlement. It’s your mediator’s task to, set guidelines for behaviors during the session and to see that those are honored.

If the session devolves into bullying, threatening or intimidating by either of you, the mediator has lost control and that’s a red flag. If that happens, you need an advocate/attorney and it’s time to shift gears.   

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Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360, 2008

Erase the Line-in-the-Sand

First, I recommend finding a counselor to coach you in new ways of communicating.   That having been said, there are a few tips I have found really priceless in terms of erasing the line-in-the-sand that so often results just because we didn’t know how to ask a question.  When we’re talking to husbands, good friends and our kids we tend to fall back on the methods of communicating and managing conflict that we learned in our families during childhood. They don’t usually work. But the change is easier than you might think.

Think of conversation as a dance, where each of you can predict the next step based on the way you’ve always danced together. What would happen if one of you changed a step? The other partner has to respond differently, bring something “new” the the floor.

In conversation, one way to do that is change the way a question is asked.

The way we phrase a question can predetermine the answer or at least the emotion behind the answer. And that’s what you’re after: a different emotion – one that might help re-ignite the “spark.”

Ask Old Questions in a New Way

For example, the seemingly simple question:  “Why do you like that?” implies a right or wrong answer. It can put the listener on the defensive, resulting in a response that tells you nothing except what he/she will or won’t do. 

Asked another way, the question: “What about {that} is important to you? “ suggests that you are actually interested in learning more about your partner’s needs, desires and interests.

By bringing a little more awareness to the way you ask and answer questions, many potential arguments can be avoided. Meanwhile, others evolve into thoughtful discussions where information is truly shared and new insights come forward.  Discovering your own conflict style and learning new ways to ask old questions are relationship building tools. They’ll help you and your partner learn about each other and move the conversation in surprising new directions. The best part? You’ll have a lot more fun “dancing” together!

Trust me… I’ve even used these technique on my teenage sons, and they are magical! There are a number of great books out there offering new ways to talk. Among them:

1. Getting to Yes, Fisher, Roger and William Ury
2. Crucial Conversations, Patterson, Kerry; Joseph Grenny, et al

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Re-claimed and updated from Divorce 360, March 2008

A few months ago I started feeling like I needed more “space” in my marriage.  I’ve never really felt crowded before, and my wife and I are fighting so much about this we’re starting to talk about separating.    The other day we realized a lot of this started when we moved the bed and angled it to the corner.  I don’t see how this can matter, but I’m a renaissance kind-a-guy so I’m asking : “Does this have something to do with Feng Shui?

Well, yes and—and as is the case with many things in this science of how energy impacts life—it will seem obvious when you hear the explanation.  I’m not saying it’s ALL about Feng Shui, but I’ve seen this happen before!

Maybe it’s the Bed

The first thing that happens with a corner-angled bed is that each partner loses some operating room. Instead of having a sufficient space to maneuver in, each person is constrained to 45 degrees and bumping into walls.

All of a sudden one or both of you start to feel crowded.  Since you feel it when you go to bed and get up in the morning, each of which are times that you are in close proximity to your partner, the logical mind says, “This must be about him/her!”  

In actuality, it might be because you are literally cramped into a smaller space, but the feelings are so subliminal it never occurs to anyone that the problem is PHYSICAL space and NOT EMOTIONAL space!

Check it out.  Move the bed to the most private position in the room, giving each of you a bedside table, lamp and plenty of elbowroom.  See what shifts, but also use this opportunity to explore ways in which each of you might need more autonomy.  

The best bed placements noted in the diagram t the left are positions 1 and 2. Absolute worst are 4 and 5. Position three can be made to work if you hang a mirror that allows you to see the door from the bed, but NOT reflect the bed, which causes sleep issues.

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Re-printed and updated from Divorce 360, April 2008          

After my divorce, I’m trying to move forward and seek a new relationship.  I have pictures of my ex around because I want the kids to feel that even though their parents divorced we are still there for them as parents.  I’ve been told I shouldn’t have such pictures around if I’m trying to attract a new romantic partner.  What’s your opinion?

Pictures for the Kids

First, I commend you regarding your support of your children and wanting to maintain their sense of security regarding parenting!  Having pictures in their rooms sounds like a good idea. You could also make personal albums for them to remind them of good times and maintain continuity. Adding pictures as you create new history with them will send communicate to them that they are still secure in their relationship with you as parents, regardless of the divorce.

But Not in Your Office or Bedroom!

Regarding your own pursuit of a new relationship, I recommend you remove pictures from your office and bedroom for several reasons. 

1. First, pictures with your ex remind you consciously and subconsciously of the issues you had with your spouse. In turn, that can interfere with attracting a healthier, new partnership. Past history tends to color what we believe is possible in other relationships. Moving forward, old patterns can doom us to choosing partners with similar core issues, unless those are brought to a conscious level and addressed. 
2. Further, when you do find a romantic possibility, pictures of your ex bring their energy into play. When that happens, there are three people in the relationship, emotionally speaking.. 
3. Finally, and most obvious, is the fact that your new squeeze may think you’re not quite over your ex, but you’ve probably already figured out that one!

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How can I use the symbolic aspects of Feng Shui to heal a family rift that has resulted since my divorce?

One of the most powerful aspects of Feng Shui is the ability to use intention to shift life. Once you’re clear about a desire, choose a symbol to represent it, and place it in the environment as a reminder. That action strengthens your commitment every time you see the object. Since it’s natural to focus on things that trouble us, we tend to get into an automatic-thought loop. Additionally, when the loop plays repeatedly in the background of your mind, it reinforces the pattern you don’t want. That is, unless/until you break the loop.

Moving forward, if you continue this automatic thought long enough, it forms a synaptic-pairing in the brain. The firing of that synapse every time you think the thought, influences brain chemistry, by releasing neurotransmitters that are released. In turn, that creates your emotions. 

Breaking that pattern produces a different chemistry, and a different emotional response to those issues. 

Synaptic-Pairing

Taking it a step further, the resulting energy/signal you send out influences events and people around you. Consequently, the more positive signal, creates a more positive response from those around you and can go a long way toward healing relationships.

One of my favorite quotes that supports the above is often attributed to Goethe, but is actually for W.H. Murray:

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Re-claimed and updated from Divorce360,  January 2008

What exactly is Feng Shui and how can it help me in dealing with my Divorce?

So often during this transition we find ourselves simply responding to the events surrounding us, causing us to stay focused on what we don’t want, instead of the kind of life we do want.  To develop a life we love, it’s not enough to know what we are moving away from, we must know what we are moving toward.

Choose Your Destination

Research in Quantum Physics has shown that our thoughts and emotions influence events, because we are in constant communication with others at the energetic level.  We also know that getting clear about our intentions is a powerful tool in co-creating the life and relationships we choose.  Notice, I used the word choose here and this is where Feng Shui comes in. 

The ancient practice of Feng Shui combines the sciences of ergonomics, psychology, spiritulity and Quantum Physics—making it equally suited for modern life. It asks that we first determine what we choose for ourselves in each of the nine Life Domains:

• Career
• Spirituality
• Family
• Finances
• Reputation
• Intimate Relationships
• Children
• Mentors (Helpful People)
• Health

With those choices in mind, we can then create the physical environment that supports them.

Drawing the Map

While environmental adjustments are an important part of this practice, the initial step of consciously stating our intentions is extraordinarily effective and accomplishes several powerful goals:

• It defines the destination and provides a focal point.
• It shifts the emotional energy from negative to pro-active.
• Positive thoughts literally shift brain chemistry and make us feel better.         

            This new vision of what we want life to be acts like a road map to help us navigate the transitions to come. It shines a beacon of light on our destination and helps us reach it with grace and commitment.

.

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Reprinted from divorce360, April 2008

My ex and I have three lovely children.  As a mediator, can you suggest how we keep from putting the children in the middle and making them feel like pawns, as I have seen happen with some of our friends?   

Excellent question and one that goes far beyond the scope of this short answer.  That having been said here goes:

Avoid Competing with Your Ex

1.  Avoid he temptation to make derogatory comments about the other parent.  Children are amazingly intuitive and smart creatures, and are capable of making their own assessments if they are not prompted to take sides.  

2.   Kids are masters at the game of playing one parent against the other and often do it unconsciously.  Don’t engage!   Instead, communicate clearly with the other parent about plans, permissions, homework, medications. Furthermore, avoid contradicting the other unless it is a matter of health or safety.  And finally, don’t try to out-purchase or out-play each other!

3.  Recognize that children often experience about a three-day behavior shift after spending time with either parent.  It’s helpful to at least attempt consistency between households. Avoid intruding on their private time with the other parent, and don’t pump them for information afterward. While you at it, don’t share your own feelings of anger, frustration, distrust, jealousy or information about financial issues with them. They’re your kids, not your counselors.

Healthy Boundaries

Differences in parenting style are common and may have been a catalyst in the divorce.  Don’t expect those to disappear.  When issues arise, remember to ask questions that don’t imply fault, ask open ended questions to determine what interests may be underlying the problem, and don’t be afraid to seek joint counseling on co-parenting.  Set clear boundaries with your children to let them know that you don’t really need/want to know what the other parent is doing.  This helps them set healthy boundaries that will serve them well in developing their own friendships and relationships later in life.   

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Reprinted and updated from Divorce 360, 2008

I’ve been divorced for six months and am not remotely interested in another romantic relationship at this point.  Should I be concerned that the relationship area of my house is missing and if so, how can I correct it?

Your Relationship to Yourself

In the practice of Feng Shui, Relationship includes intimate relationships and partnerships. The most important of those is relationship to yourself.  Regardless of the desire for romance, all relationships stem from the way we feel about ourselves, and whether we honor the contracts we make with ourselves. On the personal level, if you repeatedly encounter people who don’t respect your needs and boundaries, ask yourself if you are honoring your needs.  By always putting personal needs last and accepting what’s left-over, you are broadcasting that you are not worth acknowledging. If others don’t respect your boundaries, have you been clear in acknowledging them?   External relationships act as a mirror or what’s going on internally.  

Correct a Missing Relationship

After a divorce or a prolonged relationship, it often takes a while to get reacquainted with yourself. So …spend some time taking care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally.  If your home is missing this Relationship area (the back, right corner of the house), you can strengthen it by attending to the relationship sector in each room of the house. For example, place something that symbolizes relationship in that area. If it’s cluttered, clean it out – move some energy. Additionally, adjustments can be made outside the house in what would-have-been the Relationship area.

Anything symbolic of nurturing can work there. Plant flowers, create a comfort-zone for relaxing, or place statuary that suggests supportive relationships.  Pairs of things suggest not only partnership with another, but also the honoring of the different aspects of our own personalities.  For example, the cranes on the left symbolize commitment, because they mate for life. Adjustments such as these act as a reminder of our intention to take care or ourselves. 

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Re-printed and updated from Divorce 360, March 2008

I’ve just moved into the first home I’ve ever lived in without my wife.  The dresser in my bedroom is one we shared for eighteen years. It reminds me of all the turmoil of the divorce and because it’s the first thing I see every morning, I start the day feeling negative. I can’t afford to replace it.  Got any ideas?

Re-script the Memory

Furniture can have strong emotional associations and a piece you shared for so long in a space as intimate as your bedroom, can really bring up old stuff.   If it’s the first thing you see in the morning, it can ruin your whole day—so consider moving it until you have some distance from the divorce.   Often, just using a piece of furniture in a different way can lessen the intensity of the feelings surrounding it.  For example, in the image to the left, a dresser is repurposed as a breakfront n the family room.)

  We tend to re-use furniture for the same purpose they were used in the previous house.  Using pieces in totally different ways, can make it seem like we’ve re-decorated.  So don’t’ be locked in to the old patterns.  Think outside the box!

New Life for an Old Dresser

Depending on style and quality, the dresser might be used:

• Behind a free-standing sofa as a console, with lamps and accessories, to hold linens, work supplies, etc.
• In a guest room where you don’t see it as often
• As a break-front in the dining room
• As storage in the garage.

In its place, use a storage piece that doesn’t hold such automatic memories.  A TV armoire can also hold clothing, by adding shelves or bins.  A bookcase, filled with handsome baskets can serve as a functional and attractive substitute for dresser drawers.  After a while, you might discover that you really love the old piece and be able to reincorporate it into your room.  If all else fails, change the knobs or drawer pulls, to “make it yours,” move it to a place in the room you don’t lay eyes on it at first blink in the morning or trade with a buddy.

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Reprinted and updated from Divorce360, April 2008

Since I’ve been separated, I’ve had trouble sleeping.  My bed is right in front of the door and a friend told me I should move it.  How can that help?

Take Charge of Your Sleep

Although problems with getting recuperative rest are common during times of stress, the position of the bed can greatly impact your sleep, even if life is going smoothly. While you’re asleep, you are already at your most vulnerable. Why? because, as a species, we are not conscious of things going on around us when we sleep. 

Most animals (includiing ducks and fish) sleep with one eye open, but not humans. Instead, we let the right brain do the work of sensing threat. Since it’s fairly common to feel exposed when considering divorce, our sense of vulnerability intensifies. Emotional vulnerability, is often felt physically.  It may be the first time in decades that we’ve lived alone. Consequently, we tend to be more acutely aware of this in the evenings and when sleeping alone.

Create a “Safe-Zone”

It usually doesn’t occur to people that the position of the bed could add yet another layer of tension. But, because the brain is always doing its risk assessment, bed position is a big deal. If the bed is directly in line with the door (so that a person walking straight through the door would run into the bed) the brain registers more risk, even if we know rationally that we are in a safe place.  So what to do?          

Your friend was right—move your bed if at all possible.  Yes, we want to be able to see the door, but that doesn’t mean we have to sleep in front of it.  The ideal bed location affords the largest view of the room and a view of the door (positions 1 or 2 in the diagram to the left.) That way you have both privacy and security. 

And… Jettison the Work Stuff While You’re at it

And while you’re at it, think about removing things like the television, computer, clutter and work-out equipment too!  We tend to sleep better when we leave our work, our to-do list and the nightly news out of the bedroom.

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